Week 1 – Cake

The first one is a bit tricky as we’re all just finding our feet and reminding ourselves what classes as french patisserie.

Without your solid favourite bakers and hilar private jokes, it is just a bit boring. But we had a good pinch of innuendos and a tablespoon of sass to see us through. So, without further ado, here’s a few first impressions…

Signature – Madeira cake

Technical – Walnut cakeScreen Shot 2015-08-07 at 11.09.59

(not a fan of this one, looked like a dog’s present on Christmas day)

Showstopper – Black Forest gateaux

This week Mary was not on form. Her Rod Stewart impression did not go unnoticed as she croaked her way through the show. Too many fags Bez. (Love that Mel called her Bez.)

On the other end of the scale of hotness, Mel is looking fab. Could be the fringe, but I think MB is giving her eye liner lessons and it’s working a treat.

Paul said ‘I want to break you all in’. I dunno what kind of kinky stuff Paul is referring to, but the tent has no time for that.

The most important change 2K15 brings is no more boring 15 minute lesson halfway through! We’re used to the random visits to idyllic British towns to learn about the origins of baked goodies we hadn’t heard of 30 minutes before. But no more! It’s a shame really, we’ve all lost those valuable tea-making minutes.

Screen Shot 2015-08-07 at 10.55.04This year’s QT, a solid baker. Will go far. Has a great kid, so he’s probably a great dad, so he’s probably organised and good at keeping calm, so he’s probably a fab baker. A lot of assuming to be done in the ep 1 update.

Screen Shot 2015-08-07 at 10.55.49

Mat with one T? How ‘bout cool with four Os. Yeah, cooool.

His G&T didn’t have enough G in for MarBear (but that much liquid probably would have affected the texture of the final product so alcoholics can’t be choosers MB).

He stole all of our hearts when he cracked out the thermometer just because everyone else did. LOLs.

(But lols won’t get you the trophy Mat, so Google that shit for next time.)

He’s very limby and literally peeked over Flora’s shoulder from his area. That’s a Screen Shot 2015-08-07 at 11.19.05good few metres away… and then a human. Not sure if this will help or hinder. He’ll have to bend down for miles to work on intricate decoration, but then might be able to get some good fridge space later on in the series. Will be interesting to see how that one develops.

Screen Shot 2015-08-07 at 10.55.42I personally found her a bit of a smug-bug.

Paul: You’ve made this before haven’t you?

Marie: Hmmmm (smiles)


Screen Shot 2015-08-07 at 10.56.16Immediately had the twat bells a-ringing with his hat and double nose ring. Was the weak link from the word bake. To be fair to him, the boy can slice limes. (When I read this back, I instantly thought of ‘the boy can dress’ from Clueless – already alienating my readers, not good for week one).

Black Forest Gateaux is an alright name. It’s not up there with Spotted Dick, but it doesn’t need changing. Especially not to Purple Forest Gateaux?!  This isn’t say-what-you-see Stu! And your cake was still really dark so why in the hell you did that, I don’t know. Let’s just say Shakespeare is quite at ease with his title, no competition here.Screen Shot 2015-08-07 at 11.19.31

His attempt at caramel was reminiscent of Breaking Bad, and then with all that talk of crack during the Madeira cake? BBC subliminal messaging at its best.

Screen Shot 2015-08-07 at 10.55.37

Sorry, who?

Screen Shot 2015-08-07 at 10.56.27

After living with a Bulgarian at uni, eastern Europe delicacies don’t scream middle class tea party cake delight to me, but we’ll see what she comes up with.

Had a bit of a roller coaster for week one, but don’t we all.

Screen Shot 2015-08-07 at 10.56.10

Following on from last year with our much-loved Nancy, the north has provided us with another load of sass. Sandy AKA Sassdy. Nope, doesn’t work.

‘If there are chunks at the bottom, they’re meant to be there’. YES. YOU GO GIRL. FREEDOM OF SPEECH. POWER TO THE PEOPLE. FEMINISM. DOWN WITH THATCHER.

Too far.

Screen Shot 2015-08-07 at 10.56.21

He stole a (please say unused) syringe from work to inject some moist. How about just bake a good cake in the first place?! But bravo on intelligence.

Other than that, great baker. I think we were all impressed with his back-to-front icing belt thing. Maybe just get some kind of hair net for the future with that glorious mop.

Screen Shot 2015-08-07 at 10.55.32


Flora lives in a home of individuality, acceptance, and freedom, where people unicycle in the kitchen and they have an AGA. Well hooray for her.

‘Oh phooey. I can’t make this mixture pink enough with beetroot so I’m going to have to use this pink dye.’

Yes. Yes you will. As that is its sole purpose in life and that’s what everyone else does.

Screen Shot 2015-08-07 at 10.56.03

Greg+Davies+Inbetweeners+Movie+World+Premiere+cP9UJjh2ENOlIn the words of Louis Walsh, you remind me of a young Greg Davies.

He’s a scary prison man who loves sugar craft so in what kind of twisted scary world would we not love him?

Has zero sense of humour though, as Sue had to gallantly deal with.

Screen Shot 2015-08-07 at 10.55.27I reckon this is Hollywood’s Soft Spot of the year. He was in proper hysterics at one of her jokes. It was weird.

When her cake collapsed? Words cannot describe. I know all of our prayers were with her.

Of course, this is a pre-recorded show, so she must have felt a lot of support for whatever she was doing at that time. Could’ve just been making a cuppa.

Screen Shot 2015-08-07 at 10.55.54

Up there with my faves. Just so worried! All the time! And such glassy eyes on the brink of tears. All the time! She needs some time by the fridges to chill.

I’m pleased to confirm Racist MB has conquered her demons and is no more since Chetna, seems she likes Nad’s bakes.

Had to end on her worried look of when she realised she was the only one who didn’t ice the whole cake…

Screen Shot 2015-08-07 at 12.01.41MARIE IS OUR STAR BAKER


Screen Shot 2015-08-12 at 11.13.38


– ‘Ma-deiras’ – as in ma’dear, as in my dear, as in she’s a comical genius

– ‘I can’t wait to romp around in your forest’


– Too many cracks to mention

– ‘I think my walnuts are the perfect size’ – canny remember who said this – classic  week one.

Until next time…


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