Week 2 – Biscuits

Signature – Biscotti  (couldn’t you just listen to Mel say that word all-day errday?)

Technical – Arlettes a.k.a thin swirly things

Showstopper – A biscuit box filled with biscuits – proper Inception shit

The 15 minute halfway lesson has returned. My friends and I chatted our way through so I could not tell you a single fact nor what the facts were about, even if I wanted to.

We’ve already started to see some baker>baker interaction, which is always a lovely sight to see. A baker who can empathise and care for others, is a baker for us.

Quick note: I thoroughly enjoyed MB’s idiom: ‘they’re cram-jammed full’. Just fun to say more than anything.

Alvin

Introduced us to jackfruit. He was telling the crew about the fruit like it was a real person, ‘This is Jackfruit, he’s sweet, etc etc’.  Then the shot changed to a slow pan of a family portrait with him and his wifey and I actually thought it was going to be them holding a jackfruit. Luckily it was a child. Who may or may not be called Jack…

When he presented his biscuit box as flatpack furniture, holy moly did your heart melt. He looked like he was going to cry! As in genuine tears, not X Factor judge stuff. Bless his little cotton apron.

Screen Shot 2015-08-14 at 10.32.09Screen Shot 2015-08-14 at 10.31.07


Mat

Has officially ruined all future fireman fantasies as the shot of him baking at work shows him donning the ever flattering navy shirt… That was the time to hire the costume Mat!

He’s very likable this one. I’m always impressed when people are portrayed well on TV. With the threat of editing ever-present, normal people are often portrayed as weirdos because of the select moments we get to see. But with this barrel of laughs always cracking a joke along with the eggs, you just see a nice guy having some fun with cakes. He’s a fave for all I’m sure.


Ian

After a pretty eventless first week, we’re starting to remember who Ian is now. First and foremost, what kind of Taj Mahal chicken coop has he got going on?! It was kind of a Superman moment as the ‘Ian at Home’ footage showed his fam walking across their garden.

Is it a shed?

Is it a children’s toy house?

No! It’s a bloody chicken coop!

Slightly depressing when you’re jealous of a chicken’s living environment. But lemons into lemonade, brighter side of life, silver lining cloud… yeah it’s just shit.

Ian showed us what kind of baking talent it takes to reach the Bake Off tent as he was filmed electric whisking while fanning his bakes. What kind of shapeshifting wizardry is this?! I can barely whisk with both hands and 120% of my attention.

Ian also provided us with the beginnings of this year’s series of home inventions. I always feel really annoyed at people being so smart and intuitive to create their own baking tools, like I’m another competitor. I have no idea why, it’s pathetic. I’m probs just jealous of their genius. Especially when it really works?! Like Ian’s did… too well… annoyingly well.


Marie

Oh how the mighty fall! This one was all over the shop this week. From star baker to apparently star confessioner. Did she get Mr Hollywood confused with a man of God? Don’t highlight to the judge how wrong your bake has gone! I think she was suffering from smart-arse/ kiss-arse syndrome following the thinking that if you over compensate with honesty you’ll be rewarded. Untrue. This also rang true when she (almost too seriously) apologised for her technical bake. No time for apologies in the tent Marie, just greatness.

She did show some sass with ‘If one’s missing I’m just going to have to say I’ve eaten it’, followed by ‘I think I might’ve eaten three now.’ That’s the spirit! Have some fun with this people! With our worrier Nadiya, serious prison man Paul, and now try-hard Marie, this experience will be ruined for them all.

What I’m trying to say is, man the fuck up Marie.


Sandy

Picture this, you’re a retired maths teacher, your shitty wife has put on that god-awful Bake Off again (obviously not my view, I’m in character Day-Lewis style). Suddenly some middle aged woman who looks vaguely familiar gives Mr Simpson a shout out. No, you’re not visiting Puff the Magic Dragon, sassy Sandy is back and has decided to name and shame her old teacher. Such a sweetie.

Conversely, he could be dead.

Hopefully the first one though.

Sandy gave us our second helping of home made inventions with her (what looked like) plastic templates for her biscuit box WITH HER NAME ETCHED ONTO THEM. TOO CUTE.

Her showstopper definitely stopped the show. How you even create those different textures onto a biscuit, I do not know. I mean, do you just poke some holes in the dough?

Most probably.

But she does it so well.

At one point she started swimming on her stool and no one’s really sure why. Even her.

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Paul

Used to be one of those Buckingham Palace fluffy hat guards. What a life!

He called his biscuit box his Memory Box which is something straight out of a Jacqueline Wilson book, makes my heart roll its hearty eyes with joy, and is too cute. For a bloody prison guard-worker-person-officer to boot?! Hopefully they don’t rip the shit out of him for it when he returns.

Although, if that is the case, maybe the point should be why are bleedin’ prisoners watching primetime BBC TV using tax payers money for their TV license, electricity, and… I need to give myself a Daily Mail time out.


Ugne

The minute Ugne said one lot of her biscuits was a ‘cultural tradition’ you knew they’d be winners. If Bez said ‘ooh, too salty for me’ she would be bashing an entire nation (as we’d all assume Ugne would smash her hometown bakes, so it’s not Ugne being salt-happy, it’s Bez hating Lithuania). The Beeb would never stand for such cultural negativity (and nor should they) so you know it’s a safe bet.

My theory crashed and burned when Paul said ‘I don’t like it.’

‘Shit.’ I thought to myself. I’ve lost my sixth sense. I’ve lost my Bake Off edge.

‘I love it.’

Hollywood only bloody Simon Cowelled us! Cheeky mare. Great one as well. (Even after a decade of ‘talent’ show judges doing the same…)


Dorett

Not only did she put whole sugar cubes on the top, she put those posh coffee shop ones on. The judges were worried about the cubes being too hard to bite into, but more to the point, how sweet is this thing going to be?!

Screen Shot 2015-08-14 at 10.27.55Dorett showed us how she do in the kitchen, writing notes on grease proof paper. The sign of a proper baker. She also bathes in olive oil, uses a wooden spoon to apply foundation, and flosses with a fork.

She did very well in the pretty tricky technical which gave some much needed confidence and justification for her Bake Offness (need I remind you of last week’s collapse.)


Flora

Picked up her biscotti recipe while travelling in Italy. I bet she just stopped over in some random shitty Italian airport and counts that as ‘being in Italy’ and read the recipe in the in-flight magazine. Twat.

Or she spent an incredible summer visiting the best kitchens in the world. Still, twat.

All joking aside, to be fair to Flora, I don’t mind her at all compared to last year’s young one.


Nadiya

Fortune cookies during Bake Off’s biscuit week? Brilliant thinking.

Are they the most tasteless, awkwardly textured, annoyingly shaped biscuit in the world (and actually called a cookie)?

Sure.

But do you get cute little messages in them?

Yes. Very nice touch.

She’s thought this stuff through, she wants to be here, and yeah, she’s still always on the brink of tears.

Mary had an epiphany while judging these ones:

‘Everyone is equal.’

I might get that as a tattoo. It will be a fortune cookie half open with the piece of paper flying proudly. #Equality.

She made the most perfect bowl for her biscuit box, and looked mortified.

She then put the bowl in the oven (I don’t know why either) and took it out to find it collapsed. Same face.


Tamal

This guy has some fun with his bakes, a nice dry sarcy sense of humour about that bloody technical recipe that had no info at all! Classic HollyBerry.

It was hilarious when Mel asked him about one of his exotic sounding fruits and he pronounced it thi-sa-lis and then a little later Mel had moved on and you could just hear Hollywood say thi-say-lis. Hollywoodn’t let that one go! The bastard.

Ian is our star baker

Marie is out!

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Mel and Sue

‘You’ve dealt with everything Mary’s thrown at you, [turns to Mary] wrong to throw Mary’

Mel’s hoops tho! Pastel pink casual suit jacket with rainbow faded tacky metal hoops? Naaah mate. Just naaah.

Until next time…

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