Signature – Quickbreads
Technical – Baguettes
Showstopper – 3D bread sculpture
Bake Off exudes this Britishness and amateurs-do-it-bestness that makes you think ‘fuck it, I can make a cherry and fig (why is everyone bumming figs at the moment?) roulade.’ I’m sure I can speak for us all when I say this is especially true for bread week.
The smell of a freshly made loaf, the soft warm squeeze of a recent bake, and that satisfying crunchy crust followed by a comforting hug for your taste buds. We all just go weak at the knees for the stuff. It connects mankind.
That along with war, poverty, and an everlasting fear of how to overcome the inferiority of man to the universe.
But mainly the bread thing.
The thing that bread week also shows us is just how far we are from actually achieving any of this. Strangely enough, I don’t have a proving drawer. Along with my cutlery, I don’t have one of those dough-moving wipey blade things. And curiously, next to my chopping boards, I don’t have a posh french cloth stowed away for lining up my baguettes.
Master Hollywood is showing himself to be a competitor in the style stakes against Bez’s false lashes with his fab Superdry-esque hoody. #LadsOnTour
His ego was bloody sky-high this week as he mercilessly questioned them about liquid ratio and listed off their faults bam, bam, bam. Under proved, incorrect patterns, overworked. Bam, bam, bam.
One clear step up this year is in the presentation. God these folk know how to present a sweet loaf. We’re talking posh slates, little pots for dip, and even glasses of wine if need be. This hasn’t gone unnoticed and is bloody impressive.
Mel: Mat is creating a sculpture of one of Britain’s most recognisable landmarks.
Viewer: Oh really? That’s pretty cool. Is it the London Eye? Maybe the Angel of the North?
Mel: The Brighton Pavilion.
The Banter Express leapt to a glorious start with ‘doughverload’.
She did manage to bring it back with her showstopper, Mary more than enjoyed the smokey snake with this cheeky smirk.
Said snake was an ingenious use of the cupcake tray upside down as a mould. Stand up and take a bow.
As well as the usual worry, Nadiya also showed us the anger in her eyes with the ‘look into my eyes’ threat to copy-cat-Mat. It was kind of strange to witness, she’s surprisingly talented with sarcasm.
And now, for the Nadiya Worried Face of the Week:
Ms D treated us to a bread version of a salad and an unmade bed bread sculpture. Neither of which anyone is crying out for. Neither of which anyone would ever make again. She could have taken the unmade bed one step further and maybe thrown in a Breaking Bad DVD box set and condom wrapper.
Totes jk lols.
No one would own the Breaking Bad box set with Netflix.
She revealed to Bez that her showstopper had never actually been attempted and that she would ‘wing it’. This is the Jaws equivalent of saying ‘I ain’t afraid of no shark’.
You know that bitch gon’ be next.
Marie literally made the confessional mistake last week and was booted out. Dorret needs to pay more attention.
Quite a strong competitor after doing pretty well in all three rounds. He was one of the few to know that steam was needed for the technical. He was casually chatting about it and we were all thinking, ‘Mate, whisper! These bakers are not your friends!’ Too trusting. Trusty Tamal, that’s what they call him.
At one point he claimed his heart was going ‘boom, boom, boom’. Yep, sounds about right Tammy. He’s an anesthetist so my thinking is that he’s trained to think any heartbeat faster than when you’re unconscious, is a bad one.
Had the tastiest looking combo of flavours in the first round with the manchego cheese and panchetta/ proscuitto looking stuff. He also has the cutest baby laugh ever!? He is just too cute to boot.
Not a fan of this chocolate and salted caramel malarkey… I don’t think my palette would be able to deal with that warped world of bread.
When tasting one of Sandy’s bakes, Paul completely flipped our bread-heads in a 180 when he said ‘It crumbles when you touch it. (To which we all obvs thought ‘shit, she’s going down’) I like it.’
IS THERE EVEN A DEFINITION TO BREAD ANYMORE?! It can be sweet. It can crumble. What’s next? It can be frozen cubes of a yoghurt based yeast (how rank does that want to sound?)? Damn you Blumenthal. Damn you to hell.
This one brought up her school days again but this time how she competed in the 800 metres and lost for a friend. I feel sorry for the lady because clearly she peaked at school and so just goes on and on and on and on and on about the glory days. You can see it now between takes…
Sandy: Oh, talking of cookies, this one time at lunch, I got a cookie, but I didn’t have the correct change so the dinner lady got really annoyed at me. Oh, no way, you had a teacher called Mr Joburt too? Mine was…
Nadiya: Shut the fuck up Sandy.
Most importantly, what fancy pants shoes! Serving glitter realness with her bakes.
The one to watch. Not only did he come first in the technical, bake in a bloody flower pot, and create yet another amazing invention, but his showstopper was my personal favourite.
I feel like I’m missing a beat with a flower/ flour pun but I don’t have the energy/ care enough to try.
Fun activity for you kids at home.
Before I get onto Flora and Paul, I’d like to take this opportunity to clear something up.
I don’t care if you wear a blue plaster on your finger.
I don’t care if you have your hand in a bandage.
I would not go near any of your bloody bakes.
How gross is Flora’s finger?! They just kept zooming in on it! And Paul’s in on it too with one of his own. Not only is it gross to think about what lies beneath, but think of the stuff attached to the sticky bit of the plaster?! No plaster is capable of remaining stuck down edge-to-edge. It also always manages to roll itself back a bit. Especially with the liquidy manual labour involved with baking. Imagine the flour stuck to it. Bleurgh.
You need to get one of those air-controlling glass capsules from Zoolander before I eat that shit.
My patience with her is being rolled too thin. She keeps looking annoyingly insecure about her bakes even though she’s doing really well… ‘OMG I came second, again?!’ Shut your trap.
Note: In this pic, Ian has just found out he must have come first in the technical and his reaction is how a fucking modest, loveable boss reacts to coming first in a technical.
Paul has to get that stitched onto a cushion or apron or something. He should get one of his prison bitches to do it. Maybe the sisters from Shawkshank. *Shudder*
He even got a special commendation for his incred 3D lion – a Bake Off first.
Ian is star baker! (A double whammy)
Dorret is out! (Which I’m pretty happs about because her name is a bitch to remember how to spell)
Innuendos of the day
– ‘I can hardly keep my hand off them’ – Mary about Alvin’s first round bake – saucy bitch
– ‘I am pinching my bottom [seam]’ – Flora
– On a scale of one to rolling around in a Bake Off hilarity, how much did you enjoy Mel’s face during the opening posh toff bit?
– Mel: ‘Is it overweeeeerked?’
Paul: ‘It’s overweerked.’
– Their French accents – need I say more?
– The role models and roll models skit – although, why in the hell Mel chose to add Lily Cole to her list of role models for that gag, I’ll never know.
– ‘Saag aloo? Hopefully it won’t… sag’
Moment when Bake Off shows baking in a ridiculously serious light akin to a Scorsese script:
‘It’s a thing of serious beauty my friend.’
I am not a fan of the Bake Off thumbnail on iPlayer. Seriously dated. They look like they’re waiting for the photographer to give them an owl for a school photo where they awkwardly try to gather siblings from different years.
Until next time…