Signature – Creme Brulee – or simply just Brulee if you’re in the biz apparently
Technical – Spanish wind torte
Show stopper – Cheesecake trio
First of all, there was no boring halfway lesson! Hoorah!
There was a big to-do about the rain this week. I speak for all Brits when I say:
MOVE IT ALONG
It wasn’t even that heavy? Come back to me when the tent has flooded.
Saying that, how patriotic do you want to feel with beaut scenes like this? :
The team have officially gone lash mad. MBez’s stylist has infiltrated the troops as we now see Mel and Sue have definitely gone up a thickness and/or length compared to previous weeks. It goes without saying that this is a fab addition. Big fan of lashes. But they may just have to rein it in on Sue as she is beginning to look like a mole with the weight of those huge things.
You know what he is committed to though, don’t you? That Hollywood tan. It would be fine if you lived in LA, but when you’re parading around alongside Brits’ pale skin, you will look like a slightly overdone cheesecake.
Mary is loving those creepy faces at the moment. This week’s was during her famous visualise speech. She’s also giving feedback in a pretty intense fashion, seen when she assured Nad’s ‘NOT EVERYONE HAS A BLOW TORCH’ *awkwardly long pause*.
She really knows how to relate to her audience:
‘It always goes right at home and then not in the tent. You know how it is.’
Ah yeah. Gotcha. So annoying. The home right, tent not thing. Classic being a Bake Off contestant-ness. Classic life.
There was a strange moment when she, I’m assuming, just nipped her hand against the oven. I’d be fine with a quick ‘gaaah’, but old Ugne goes with ‘BURNING FLESH’. Quite extreme there.
She loves adding those caramel designs to anything and everything. Impressive as they are sometimes, Ugne, just leave the bake as is without distractions. You can have that one for free. Direct from me to you.
What really stole the show, for me anyway, was Ugne’s 90s eyeshadow-top-match. YES GURL. What a great phase of fashion.
You don’t even want to know how many variations of blue and purple eyeshadow I had back in the day.
Now, I don’t know much about baking, so stop me if I’m wrong, but it’s never a good sign if you have to persuade the judges that in fact you have turned the oven on.
She’s quite a heavy handed baker, seen when smashing her meringue to pieces and using one of those dough-wipers for icing. That’s like Monet using a paint roller.
One tip of the day for Nads – if you’re going to serve creme brulee as tea, make sure it doesn’t look like coffee… burnt much!? And the judges didn’t even comment on it. Slacking.
I felt for the woman because her showstopper was incred and it just kind of gets forgotten if you’re not consistent. Maybe this is fair enough, as we all know consistency is key, but she made a can of ‘pop’ (yes we are in the 50s) float?!
There was just one more small, forgettable thing about Nadiya. SHE WAS BLEEDING. After my blue plaster rant last week, this just takes the biscuit.
The beauty of editing blessed her with a blue plaster before the technical judging was through.
From this… To this
That is gross to a whole new level. I guess MB and Paul’s iron levels will be up after tasting her bakes?
Time for everyone’s favourite…
Nadiya’s worried face of the week
This was a two-phased worried look as she shares the struggles of a technical bake:
If that was me I’d be all up in Mel’s grill like:
Step off my tuiles bitch!
Her technical looked perfect beyond words. She’s doing well in those. Clearly she’s gotta lifetime of knowledge… for a toddler lifetime anyway. It’s bad, but you have to kind of feel happy when an A* student gets a B- . It shows we all have weaknesses, no one’s perfect, everyone has a blip now and then, and it just makes us feel better.
Why but of course he had the most delicate flowers in the technical, he’s the sugar craft king who happens to be a terrifying prison guy – get over it, world!
He gave an extremely manly performance after winning said technical so bravo for that. I’m sure – if his brain was Inside Out – on the inside, his Sugar Craft Island (‘cos obvs he’d have an island for that hobby gold mine) put on their best sugar craft dress and had a sugar craft party.
(Alienating people who haven’t seen Inside Out – if that’s you, stop reading this, I don’t want your type around these parts. Totes jk ‘like’ this, tweet this, share this, love me.)
However contrasting his manliness, he did channel Mary Poppins when feeding Sue a purple liquid from a peculiar medieval stylee bottle.
What a baker. ‘Sheer heaven on a plate.’ If this is genuine reviewing, without bribery, it’s impressive.
His only issue this week was with pomegranate, and if that is your biggest problem, sir, you are doing fine.
‘I’ve been researching edible flowers this week’
OH IAN, WHAT AN INTERESTING LIFE YOU DO LEAD, TELL ME MORE.
I’m joking, please don’t.
Isn’t he just the loveliest?
I believe it was Chumbawamba who famously said:
I get knocked down, but I get up again, you’re never gonna keep me down
And boy does Mat follow this life motto.
He can take criticism like a trooper and never looks down in the dumps about it. Paul said his bake was ‘just not good enough’ and instead of being really upset
about it, he just agreed. Excellent trait to have. A mindful heart and a heartful mind will take you far in that tent. I’m not entirely sure what that means and think I just invented a word.
He had a super cyute reaction to a compliment at the technical. Modest little man.
In 20 years time ex-contestants will be saying ‘you don’t even know man. You weren’t even there.’
He made a cheesecake trio of his fam’s faves?! TOO CUTE.
He was shaking like a shitting dog when placing those flowers on his technical. This would fine if it wasn’t for the fact that he’s an anesthetist… slightly worrying…
His french meringue was firm and his swiss meringue was soft (which as we all know without Googling is an, all together now): absolute nightmare!
But what a lovely guy he is, he stopped his own baking to help Sandy! The sign of a true baker.
IAN IS STAR BAKER – THRICE! (and was welling up bless him! But then he had a strange arrogant moment where he might have shown his true Jeckyll & Hyde colours. If so, there may be trouble ahead.)
SANDY IS OUT!
There’s an interesting trend of whoever is in the news that week, is out. Happened with Marie’s french cooking school shocker and now Sandy’s love-life… interesting.
Innuendo of the Week
It was innuendo galore this week with meringues needing to be stiff and pumped
Mel and Sue
Sue to Paul on an alcoholic egg dish as Creme Brulee: ‘And for that, I commend you sir’ (not funny when you read it, but the delivery! You shoulda seen it. You probs did if you’re reading this.)
Mel: They would like you to make Mary’s ‘versshhhion’ of Spanish Wind Torte. Sounds like something I went to the doctor with when I was in Majorca.
*BADOM DOM TSSHHHHH* Show me a man who can spell a drum joke sting.
Sue: ‘The entire dairy industry is in Paul and Mary’s stomachs’
Until next time…