Week 5 – Free From…

Signature – Sugar free cake (which is a cake I want to be nowhere near)

Technical – Gluten free pitta

Showstopper – Dairy free ice cream roll (The devil’s work. Witchcraft is present.)

I am such a fan of the style heights our stars have taken on this year, but I mean can we vary it up a bit? Maybe hire a new stylist to deal the celebs out betweenScreen Shot 2015-09-02 at 21.51.39 them? I feel the colourblock Zara pastel blazer season has sailed.

To be fair to them, if my nails are anywhere near as fab as MB’s by the time I’m 55 (wink wink, she owes me) I’ll be a happy, stunning lady.

It’s normally impressive when the baking knowledge gloriously spills out of Mary’s mouth, but somehow not so much with pitta… It’s pretty everyday. We’re all famil with the ol’ pitta. It’s not like when she whacks out a knowledge bomb on spanish wind torte. We’re not going to go ‘ooh’ or ‘aah’ over something you can get at Tesco. (I still have no idea how you make it, but the point stands.)

‘Look at this beautiful shape’

Yep Mary, looks like a pitta.

‘And that pocket’

Yes Mary, a pitta.

Ian

So he is human after all! Perfect Petey sometimes can make a mistake. Dammit I wish his name began with P.

It was frustrating when the judges said his signature cake was ‘simple, maybe a bit too simple’ when three rows back was sat little Alvin with his boring hot mess. I mean jeysus. Ian’s was just classic, people!

He is kind of starting to lose his shit… it’s the classic Tentitus signs: being overly excited over rubber ducks and experiencing stroke-like symptoms – Parmesan/Marzipan anyone? (Although it was bloody hilarious to witness.)

Ian is exemplary of the ultimate reality show dilemma – do you ignore a perfect performance and just focus on one blip?

Kind of like life though.

You can spend your whole life baking like a queen, and then one burnt meringue, and you’re stamped as the burnt meringue girl for the rest of your days.

Aside from all of that, his mango centre bit of his ice cream was mighty impressive.


Alvin

Lesson 101 of Bake Off: If the viewers are thinking ‘I could do that’ YOU GOTS TO GO.

Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 22.09.42What the hell was his cake about? He looked unimpressed with it himself. There was no extravaganza whatsoever. But, the judges loved it so maybe keeping it simple is the way to go. People are going a bit mad with originality and could be at risk of losing their way.

Oh, using gold leaf are you Flora? Na.

HOW CUTE IS HIS LAUGH THO?!
I want to store his smile in my pocket for rainy days or use this exact pic to make into wallpaper for nurseries (yellow flowers in the background = gender neutral = I’m a genius).

Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 22.10.05

Mary’s laugh could make fab curtains.

Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 21.55.31

When he cracked out the local traditional ice cream flavour, you knew he was safe. It was the first thing Hollywood said: ‘THE ICE CREAM IS GREAT. The roll is ok, the mango is lost’

But more to the point.

Am I the only one who is completely shocked and appalled at what his life must have been like growing up? I’m thinking of starting a charity called ‘Pittas for the People’ or ‘Take Pitta on Them’.

When he said he’d only had it once, I thought he meant in the last two hours. I was thinking: ‘Two hours without pitta? That’s tough.’ But no, he meant once IN HIS LIFE.

The big question we’re all thinking is:

HOW DOES HE EAT HUMMUS!?


Mat

Alvin asked him if a pitta was triangular or circular, Mat claimed he didn’t know.

LIKE HELL YOU DON’T MATHEW.  I CALL BULLSHIT YOU JIVE TURKEY. (you Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 22.22.41really need to read that in Matthew McConaughey’s voice to get it.)

Bastard! So unexpected from our OLD favourite. Yeah, that’s right Mat. You are an ex-fave. You are no more. You cease to be.

He has a seriously peery little face, always seems to be poking around the table and lurking nearby to see how everyone else is getting on. Dick. This used to be endearing, now it’s just endicking.


Nadiya

What a deservingly joyful week for little Nads! Her springy dance when she won the technical? Uber cutez.

For me, alarm bells were ringing with the strawberry and lime combo – doesn’t work for me with cider or Hubba Bubba, wouldn’t work for sponge.

She is such a fan of smelling peanut butter, it was lovely to see. Bit of a friendship with her and Ugne going on, baking could make the world a better place: make petit fours, not war.

This is the point set aside for Nadiya’s Worried Face of the Week – but she just provided us with such a plethora to choose from!

I think the saying ‘I could listen to them read the phone book’ applies here. I could watch her react to someone reading the phone book, I imagine it would go like this:

James, Scott

Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 22.02.00

Jameson, Fiona

Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 22.02.13

Johnson, Olivia

Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 21.53.48

Jones, Tom

Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 22.17.19

I might option that as a film.


Flora

At first glance I was thinking ‘yes gurl, you work those oversized borderline chavvy diamond earrings’. But, upon closer inspection, they are in fact Claire’s-esque floral studs – she puts the Flora into floral. #BringItOn (I am referencing pop culture like a mofo this week.)

Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 21.59.47Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 22.02.47

Aside from the hip and happening reference I was able to make from her wearing these studs, they are super lame and should be handed to the nearest six year old Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 22.05.08immediately.

Flora was just not on point this week, I swear she seemed drunk by the end with her weary gaze, her hair (although I do appreciate a bohemian plait) looked a big straggly and her apples were grim.

She had to deal with Mary’s worst burn of the series so far:

‘I’m just trying to find the sponge.’

Ouch! That Berry burn was real juicy.


Tamal

Not really much chat going on this week with Tams. He cracked open the (praise be to God) unused syringes again and had a weird moment saying ‘Ahhhh MATHS’. That’s the crux of it really. It’s fine to float around the middle for now, but like the hot shit he is, he’s going to have to decide: rise to the top or drop to the bottom.

(That was pretty disgusting, I can only apologise.)

Big fan of his hair cut.


Paul

Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 22.13.33Not going to lie, I’m getting pretty bored with his voice. He reminds me of the police (no offence to them, big fan), just so monotonous and serious. The force, not the band. Although the band are kinda boring too (no offence, big fan).

Even when he was overly helpful to Alvin, he did it in such a scary way just staring him down and eventually striding towards him like ‘Yes. I am here now. The chaos can stop’.

His sugar craftery is still spectacular. He sure knows his way around a small body – in a totally acceptable way.

Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 22.14.50Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 22.15.26

It was strange how much he patted down the boobs on the icing girl though…

f04c9689bb0c5352c8fdf5acf405788b

Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 22.16.19I’m sure Ofcom will be inundated with complaints about the removal of the penis-pants.

You know what BBC, transgendered individuals can sunbathe on marzipan too!


Ugne

Her purple(!?) cake melted everywhere but she did manage to salvage it slightly with that magnificent hidden chequerboard pattern.  She still welled up during the testing though! I mean, I get where you’re coming from, but it is baking. Get a tea towel, dust the icing sugar off your shoulder, move on.

I just love her 90s vibe. She was back with the blue top/ blue eyeshadow combo and I detect she may well have a 90s dragon tattoo to boot.

Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 21.54.39Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 22.57.20

I bet she wears double denim and watches Stars in their Eyes at home while she waits for the next ‘Now That’s What I Call’ CD to hit Woolworths.

What a decade.

NADIYA IS STAR BAKER! (She started smiling slightly too early and I was worried that premature arrogance would come back to haunt her, but luckily not!)

UGNE IS OUT!

Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 23.42.47

Mel & Sue

  • ’30 minutes trea-maining’
  • ‘Now let’s turn her over and see what she’s doing on her back’ (That was about Paul’s icing princess, not Mary)
  • They were very much about the physical comedy with:

Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 23.00.18Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 22.01.22Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 21.53.36

Each week I think we’re all asking the same questions:

When is Bake Off filmed? Across how long of a period of time? Are Mel and SueScreen Shot 2015-09-02 at 22.12.38 ever in the tent together when they’re floating around?

Well, this week, one of our questions was answered!

It felt like getting a little inside scoop seeing Mel in the background chatting away to crazy Nads. I am in no way surprised that Mel and Sue put in the leg work for their presenting and are actually present. Love ’em.

Innuendo of the Week:

  • ‘Ian had to put three nuts on his desert island tree – for obvious reasons!’ Sly dog Ian.
  • And of course…

Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 22.11.25

Until next time…

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