Week 8 – Patisserie

Signature – Cream horn

Technical – Moccatines – baking is basically Mary’s version of Hollywood, she’s coupled Mocha with… Florentines. #MoccaTine4Eva

Showstopper – Religeuse a l’ancienne – je ne comprends pas…

As episodes go, this wasn’t the most eventful. It was just all a bit strange.

For starters, Mel opened the show with one shoe on. Waiting for the other shoe to drop…. The last leg… Nope. Don’t get it.

Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 21.27.22

Then you’ve got Flora revealing two giant bags of ice in the freezer. What kind of last minute BBQ are the Bake Off crew hosting?

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Mary and Paul didn’t seem like quite the well-oiled cog we’re used to. During their tea with M&S after the showstoppers, they were just talking over each other. Just poor judgementship.

We got an interesting glimpse into a Hollywood party as Paul claimed one of these towering eclair infernos would need to stand for two to three hours before they’d be cracked into at a party. Woah woah woah Hollywood, so you’re saying you’d get the absynthe and coke done, and then move onto the tower?! Cray.

Mary’s Face of the Week

Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 21.46.14


He’s a bit all over the place with his confidence. At one point he’s shocked that he actually baked a cake well (not the most welcome feature to a baking contestant) and then the next second he’s saying ‘there’s not much that can go wrong’ during the cream horns.

I think the Tentitus has reached the point where it starts to take its toll on his Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 21.51.17physical strength, he looks like a baby sparrow bless him.

Ian brought us the weird ingredient of the week with chestnut puree. Ima let that notion sink in for a moment.

He had a rough time this week when his pastries just wouldn’t bond! I mean sometimes there’s just too much pressure, you have all the right ingredients, the heat, the sex is great the chemistry is there, but if the bond is gone, you just can’t get anything cooking.

He made a helluva tower.


Flo is suffering from Benjamin-Button-brain. Lemon curd?! Come on. The only reason I’ve even heard of such a thing is from 15th century nursery rhymes. Let’s bring it up to the noughties at least.

And seven limes in your bake?! This isn’t the 12 Days of Baking.

Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 22.02.58This proved to be a rough week for a fair few of our bakers, including this one. It was puddles paradise underneath her horns – why she didn’t move the horns and get rid of the puddles, I couldn’t tell you, by the time the choc dried she probs could’ve just popped them right off: lazy.

I did feel for the girl when Hollywood was a smidge too patronising with ‘It’s almost shortcrust pastry. Do you understand?’ Oooh Paul. Don’t get Flo angry. I can’t image Flo angry, but I bet it’s bordering on making you jump for a moment.


From the looks of Mat last week and Paul this time around, it seems that the weak links are showing themselves from the get-go of the ep. He had a mare with his technical, creating the densest genoese in the tent (is too a word).

Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 22.16.08He got himself all flustered with Annie Hall icing sugar skills.

Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 23.04.12Annie Hall

And his showstopper was more a mound than a mountain.

Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 22.23.34

But, give credit where credit is due, big fan of his back-to-basics approach with Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 22.11.28the banana and custard flavour pairing. Saying that, from the sound of it, it tasted as processed as those foam banana sweets. Bleurgh.


Boy done good.

If we’re talking progression and growth in Bake Off, Tams is definitely up there. He’s becoming more consistent, filled his horns well and served delish mango and passionfruit flavoured creme pat.

Mary was a tad edgey during his judging with:

I hope this isn’t over baked.


It isn’t.

Well don’t judge before you’ve tasted the bloody bake then biatch!

(That’s what sassy Tams should’ve said.)


Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 21.52.56Nad’s cones were leaking all over the shop! But she managed to hide it well and sailed through the signature and technical – even being referred to as a ‘cracker’ by MBez.

Following on from Ian, Nadiya is now showing symptoms of Tentitus too. I mean for the love of blind-baking, we clearly saw a line of dribble from the bubblegum flavour spoon – cruel BBC editing team for leaving that in! Just get the girl to re-do it!

Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 22.12.47Then you’ve got the whole: ‘I’m so excited I could streak down this river. Yeah. that’s how excited I am.’

Woah there party girl.

Maybe start with just a lap of honour. Keeping your clothes on. Then we’ll start to think about streaking. You took a giant leap there.

I’m sure we all pictured a Ferrell style affair in the quad.

Old School

Our worrier managed to slip in a brilliant background glare behind Hollywood’s judging again this week:

Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 22.04.38

But our Nadiya Worried Face of the Week has to be…

Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 22.22.07

You can literally directly compare Nad’s face to the others, she’s just so intense! Scan L-R at the eyes, Ian’s are kind of like slits, Flo’s are a bit dark, HELLO EYEBALLS.

Her eyes are like Will Ferrell’s cheeks – I just can’t not look. they penetrate to the soul.

But it was all worth it as…

Nadiya’s star baker!Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 22.18.54

Paul is out!

Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 23.20.48

Mel and Sue

‘Of course when Madonna makes cream horns she simply uses her bra.’

A nod to contestant Paul’s cream coloured top – such a strange choice for TV

Moment when Bake Off shows baking in a ridiculously serious light akin to a Scorsese script:

‘If the eclairs aren’t done well they could blend. which would be ghastly.’ – Mary

‘That bullet had my name written on it.’ – Flo

Innuendo of the week

Lots of talk of creams with horn and filling said horn with said cream.

Until next time…


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