Week 9 – Chocolate

Signature – Choc tart

Technical – Choc souffle

Showstopper – Choc centre piece – yes, it’s a thing you’ve been missing at your dinner parties. They even had to make their own moulds, how?!

Big fan of the different rounds this week. There’s something about blind baking that is classic Bake Off stuff we love to see. I might crack it out when I next have friends over. It’s just impressive.

And the staggered starting times for the technical!? What an idea! Whoever brought in that brainchild needs a raise.

BBC Boss: How do you make Bake Off more exciting?

Intern: Simple. Make it more like Gladiators.

BBC Boss: *Stunned silence*

The tension from that element added alone. Holy moly.

I really felt for Flora being first. It would be horrible to be on national TV completely on your own! It made me think ‘shit. She’s being watched by millions of people, and it’s just her on the screen right now.’ It kind of makes no sense as whenever there’s a shot of her on her own talking, she’s on her own on camera to millions of people. She just looked so small in that empty tent!

I don’t really get why the judges were whispering during the judging though? They don’t do that in normal technical judging…

Also don’t really get why everyone was wearing blue!? Maybe subliminal Tory messages from the Beeb or maybe they’re trying to get ‘Blue (Da Ba Dee)’ back in the charts… Not sure which one I’m more comfortable with.

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As ever, the editing was comedy gold this week with:

Nadiya going on about pastry needing to be neat and look pretty

Flora: ‘Shortcrust was made for patchwork.’

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Ian: ‘I’m looking for a beautifully smooth glaze you can see your own reflection in’

Flora: Plop

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Mary’s Face of the Week

If we’re being nice it would be this…

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If we’re not…

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But it got me asking myself, what did cheeky MBez look like in her prime?

And the answer was, she looks the same, she is in her prime right here, right now.

Ok you’re right, past me. So, what did she look like 50 years ago then?

And the answer is…

Young Mary

Bloody fab.


Made her own peanut butter?! So much respect for that. I just could not be bothered with anything available in Sainsbury’s Basics range.

We found out some strange nuggets of info on Nads this week, mainly that she turns anything fatty from the supermarket into powder to ‘see what it tastes like’.

Err it probs just tastes like whatever you bought tastes… Not going to lie, it’s a strange habit.

We might need to have an intervention because there is a clear road Nads could be going down with this love of powder… snorting butter would be the most Screen Shot 2015-10-04 at 19.38.30simultaneously weight-losing/gaining drug problem ever.

Nads stormed the signature and showstopper, getting a wink from MBez and a handshake! She was so excited over the handshake bless her.

Screen Shot 2015-10-04 at 19.39.22‘Paul and Mary liked it!? And I got a lingering handshake. Happy days!’

Love the specific description there. Not just a handshake, a lingering hanshake. I’m sure it wasn’t just a wink. It was a cheeky wink.

Sunk to the bottom of the pile during the technical with her lumpy souffle mix she had to strain.

Sorry what? Straining? Nat good.

This rollercoaster ride of bakes took its toll on her as she was all over the shop! So happy over the praise, and then (like she said, Jekyll & Hyde style) back down to crying again!

As with last time, let’s take a moment for said tear.

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Screen Shot 2015-10-04 at 20.07.41Her showstopper brought it all back though. Incredible! The detail! Blue/green is one of my fave colour combos too. At one point it did look like chewing gum though and looked like a mare to work with, good on her for sticking with it – no gum-pun intended.

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Nadiya’s Worried Face of the Week

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She managed to sneak in yet another background worried look too, she’s getting damn good at those…

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Quote of the week:

‘I think if it’s tasty, that’s what they’ll be looking for the most.’



As is Tam’s style, he was mainly sailing in the middle of the group which isn’t a bad thing, but not if it’s Bake Off Champion in the making-ness.

It was such a satisfying sound when he cracked into that praline brittle, would Screen Shot 2015-10-04 at 19.33.39make a great text-tone. The most middle-class alert in the world, sure, notifying you about texts from Lucas and Tamara.

And the Bake Off award for the worst Paul Hollywood impression goes to…. *drum roll* …

What in the name of all things scouse was Tamal thinking? Just poor. So bad. It was more a bad impression of the love child of the Gallaghers and Vicky Pollard.

And what a disgusting stain on his apron this week. I mean, we all know it’s choc. But still.


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If word in the tent is that you’re known for not following the brief enough with the bakes, don’t keep bloody doing it in the semi finals! Like adding macarons as a topping for your tart. Just too much.

(Especially when you’re told ‘If you’re going to do a macaron, do it properly. Over baked. Dry as a bone.’ Youch)

They aren’t a topping! It’s like putting a chocolate bar on an ice cream. Something which is not done at all and sold from ice cream vans for just under £1… moving on…

I felt so bad for the poor Scot when she’d never made a soufflé before! (Which, as it turned out none of them had, still felt for her the most). But what a turnaround. She did super fab. No idea how she managed it though. If someone gave me a bunch of ingredients and told me to make a souffle, I would make them a cup of cocoa-flavoured flour with butter on the side. And voila!


Screen Shot 2015-10-04 at 19.37.06I have so much time for Ian’s hoodie wearing. He’s always done it, but I think it’s only just sunk in with me. Such a cool dad. Even his decorative leaves were just off centre. So kooky.

Ian provided us with this week’s gross Screen Shot 2015-10-04 at 19.13.33cooking moment, glad to see Nads was wearing gloves though. Meanwhile this guy was poking around his cocoa and wasn’t evening sieving it into the bowl?! I mean jesus.

But then in other ways, he’s the opposite end of the scale – using two thermometers!? IT’S BAKING IAN. JUST TRUST THE READING.

The technical rattled his cage alright as he just had a complete mind blank and Screen Shot 2015-10-04 at 19.52.27even forgot how to make creme pat. This is the Bake Off equivalent of having a stroke, and Mel really felt for him bless her!

Doctor: Ian’s doing ok…

Family: What do you mean? Will he not remember us? Won’t know what year we’re in?

Doctor: Well, he doesn’t remember how to make creme pat.

Family: OK. We’re ready. Turn off the machine.

Most importantly…


Sure, as a chocolate centre piece, this would only work at a Water Aid dinner or something – but still, incredible.

And yes, the handle fell off, but IT’S A WORKING WELL MADE OUT OF CHOCOLATE.

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It was a close one, but…



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Mel and Sue aka the most genuinely interested and caring hosts ever

  • Sue’s mini gasps amidst Nadiya listing her tart ingredients were lovely
  • ‘Bakers 15 minutes until your ganache hits my g[a]nashers’
  • ‘Have you made this before Ian? Did it go well?’

‘Well, the first attempt took me four days…’

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They missed a great opportunity with their opening ‘I’m semi hysterical. I’m semi excited.’…

Cut to:

Paul: I’ve got a semi.

Moment when Bake Off shows baking in a ridiculously serious light akin to a Scorsese script:

  • ‘That was stressful, I would sooner have another baby.’ Think about your words Nadiya…
  • ‘This is the end of me. Right here.’ Flora

Innuendo of the week

Tamal made a bell tower, just funny to say

During the show, I was thinking about whether they’ll bring the show back next year as it does feel that bit samey and this year didn’t quite have the same pizzazz as previous years. But no, they are going to milk this viewer-cow until they can’t milk no more.

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