Week 10 – The Final

Signature – Iced buns (ermmmm pretty shit for a final, but it did turn out to be kinda challenging for them… even though you can get them at Greggs)

Technical – Raspberry millefeuille

Showstopper – Multi tiered, single flavoured cake

Well after a pretty rocky series, our three finalists managed to pull it together to make (to quote Hollywood, quoting Danny Dyer) the tastiest Bake Off final ever!

First and foremost, where in God’s green earth is this place?! How do they get electric, heat, food delivered, signal, HOW?! They need ‘Bake Off: Uncut’ to show us the real shit that goes down when the cameras are off.

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The judges were fab as per.

Hollywood was putting down the male contests with some smack talk…

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And Mary was as lovely as ever, oh the emotions. The emotions were errwhere.

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Mary’s Face of the Week

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Most importantly, lol at the girl who tried to do a cartwheel at the tea party. How do you feel?! You’re shit. Etc etc.

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Tamal

The fact that Tamal is clearly perceived as the ‘bad boi’ of the tent, shows how lovely this tent is. Ian was all like ‘even Tamal was getting emosh’. Oh even Tamal?! Even the guy who cried over collapsed millefeuille? Shocking.

I feel genuinely concerned that Tamal has finished his medical degree and will have peoples’ lives in his hands when heScreen Shot 2015-10-07 at 21.55.35 LEFT THE SPOON IN THE FROZEN CHOCOLATE DISH. That is next level scatty.

And the way the butter was all separated at the top? Burrp.

But then in other ways, he’s OTT OCD. Like weighing eggs?! Surely the most pointless thing to weigh ever? Potatoes, I get it, Screen Shot 2015-10-07 at 21.43.57they come in off-the-scale shapes and sizes. Flour, yep sure, you have to weigh it pretty precisely. Egg? Nah you’re alright. Just go by the number of eggs, like people have done forever.

His sister had a bit of a weird When Harry Met Sally moment gasping when talking about how good looking he is and how proud Screen Shot 2015-10-07 at 22.01.17she is of him. But that’s just pure sisterly love guys, and if you find that weird, you don’t have a heart. And if you don’t have a heart, even Tamal wouldn’t be able to save you, which would be super ironic because he’s the one you’ve just been heartless about. Yeah.

And why the hell wouldn’t you react this way when your brother was the cutest effing baby in the world? I would buy his seed in bulk. And just go to town. What incredible genes. (That was a creepy way of saying he’s cute.)

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He had a twisty-turny final for sure. Last in the technical – or third, depending on your optimism. And just had no confidence really. But what a turnaround.

He nailed the show stopper. When the resident Bake Off artist did their thang, we all thought ‘Wait what?! You think Tamal is going to be able to make that? Resident Bake Off artist, you’ve built that up way too much. Na.’

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But ya!

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It looked the exact same! Incred! He definitely pulled out all the stops at the right time.

And Mary even took a bit of his carrot cake mid-judging-sentence. Which I, speaking as a Bake Off commentator, have never seen.

Unlike…


Ian

Who apparently has just peaked weeks 1-3 and kind of wobbled ever since.

Sure he’s had the odd flying moment with the well and such, but really? Carrot Screen Shot 2015-10-07 at 22.09.51icing? For a final? It’s just a kick in the teeth for viewers really. It’s rude. We deserved more.

Plus, from the side, it didn’t look like the carrot thing. It was very angle-specific. From the side it just looked like the old ‘full moon, half moon, total eclipse’ Jaffa Cake ad in cake form.

He was a bit scatty too, forgetting to put the orange in, nearly dropping the bloody bake. It was tiring to watch. Good job Ian, saving up Screen Shot 2015-10-07 at 21.56.58all the shitness for the final, good work.

Saying that, Hollywood did say it was one of the best carrot cakes he’s ever tasted. I feel like Hollywood would have immediately debated taking it back after he’d said it… huge claim… ridiculous claim…. untrue. Has to be.

I definitely think the tent is the new ‘Nam. We really have no idea what they go through man. ‘I have gone through a lot’ says Ian. Have you though Ian? Or have you just had to bake three cakes once a week for a while? In a pretty cushty location.

But, as with Nadiya, let’s take a moment for Ian’s tear. Which he wiped away with his apron?! My baking bones can’t take it.

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I reckon this guy is a sly millionaire. His garden is like fecking Center Parcs. But atScreen Shot 2015-10-07 at 22.12.12 the same time, it’s like one of those Channel 5 hoarding shows, an absolute shithole.

He def gets dad of the year award – he looks so cute, but they are going to be incredibly embarrassed of him once they reach the teen years.

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He also made us realise how being a judge is potentially harder than it looks. MB takes delicate nibbles, whereas old manly-man Ian over here:

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NadiyaScreen Shot 2015-10-07 at 21.48.04

Nads was just a one woman show this week. Running everywhere for some reason (this tent really doesn’t look that big), flapping her arms about, throwing in jokes about Key Stage 1 maths.

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(It’s hard to portray running in images, clearly.)

She got proper superstar on us too when she was listing the ingredients in her bake: ‘and I’ve got c… c… oh can we start that again?’ Oh alright d d d diva.

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This may be so Bey, but in the tent she’s Queen Nay-Ya (as in Nadiya… don’t worry, it works).

I’m not entirely sure about the red nose stud, to the extent that I actually thought Screen Shot 2015-10-07 at 21.44.18she had some gross spot at first. But knowing Queen Nay-Ya (already catching on) it’ll be everywhere by next week.

The minute she said her iced buns weren’t going to touch, you knew they were 100% meant to. Rule number 1 of Bake Off: Never be sure of anything. Uncertainty is your friend.Screen Shot 2015-10-07 at 21.57.48

It was hilar when she cracked out the leveller thing- I have an inkling she wouldn’t really know what she was looking at/ for.

But you knew she had it in the bag, even from last week. First in the technical, again, and her showstopper was absolutely stunning. Those Screen Shot 2015-10-07 at 21.49.11flowers? How in the name of sweet baby jesus she makes that look so easy? I don’t know.

How gorgeous do her family want to be? Their skin alone is flawless. Like to ‘it puts the lotion on’ level. And her kids are just mini hers!

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Nadiya’s Worried Face of The Week

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This one was actually really hard to pin down as she was hopping around the bench trying to, I dunno, get the best view? Probs should’ve tried just standing still… But that’s not Nad’s style!

Also couldn’t go without mentioning the old ‘I’m so worried my head might fall off’ look…

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But after all of her hard-baking, I just think screw the baking, go into script writing Nads!

I am never, ever, going to put boundaries around myself.

I’m never gonna say I can’t do it.

I’m never gonna say maybe.

I’m never gonna say I don’t think I can.

I can.

I will.

That’s proper Michelle Obama shit.

NADIYA IS OUR WINNER!

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This final was just too emosh. MB was crying, Tamal was inviting himself over for Screen Shot 2015-10-07 at 22.16.36dinner round Nad’s house, it’s the stuff Bake Off is made of.

Highlights of ‘Since Bake Off’

  • I bloody knew Sandy was obsessed with school with all her stories of old teachers – she works in a bloody cooking school
  • Stu’s got a gold disc from his music. Sorry what? To get a gold disc, doesn’t Screen Shot 2015-10-07 at 23.04.20that mean people have to have heard/ liked/ bought your music?
  • Ian baked for the Dalai Lama?!
  • Alvin – no big news but didn’t we all just completely forget about him!? He was too cute!
  • Mat’s a dad!

They only went and spelt his bloody name wrong though! Classic Mat/ Matt.

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Moment when Bake Off shows baking in a ridiculously serious light akin to a Scorsese script:

‘Whatever happens today, I have to live with for the rest of my life’ Nadiya (seriously Nads, think about the script writing thing).

Innuendos of the week

‘The reason Ian entered’ Mrs Ian

Lots of bun talk

‘We’ll hose him down later’ MB on Hollywood

Until next year…

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