Week 1 – Cake

Signature – drizzle cake
Unusually, their ‘genius baking tip’ was just common knowledge. ‘You need to poke holes in the sponge so that the liquid soaks into the entire sponge’. Yes thank you Tom. Now, talk us through the whole ‘make sure there’s no egg shell in a mixture’.

Technical – jaffa cake
Most of them criss-crossed the tops with lines of icing, instead of pulling the chocolate upwards with some kind of ruler. Lunatics.

Show stopper – mirror cake
One of those bakes mere mortals cannot reproduce.

The location has been revealed! Welford Park. A private home. Can you imagine?! Hearing the jolly music whenever you put the bins out or see your squirrel friend with massive balls.

Squirrell

Doesn’t it just make you proud? Yes. This is our land. With its crisp blue skies and vibrant lawns. And yes, it will torrentially rain during the summer, but camera filters exist and we know how to use them.

Opening shot

Mel and Sue are back. God how I missed their choice of crisp blazers and lashes.

Paul is still trying to judge X Factor with ‘they are uniform…ly bad’. Well you’re a dic… tionary of baking terms.

And you’re also sometimes a penis (who gets way too into a jaff).

Paul enjoying jaffa

Back by a fair amount of demand, Mary’s face of the week (couldn’t decide on one):

Mary's face of the week
By releasing headshots early, we were kind of online dating them all. We’d had a week to create preconceptions and imagine what Rav’s voice is like or what kind of walk Benjamina has settled on in life, and then we’re faced with the real person. Some surprises!

And we all know we have to start with Val.

Val

Val
2D Val is the sweetest. 3D Val, with her little voice, is just too much.

She’s already brought out some sassy judge banter and snuck in some aerobics.

Val aerobics

She can hear cake talk. And ya know what, I believe her.

Val listening to cake

There’s something about the apron and her little eyes, I just can’t get Mrs Tiggywinkle out of my head.

Mrs Tiggy Winkle

Too cyute.

Michael

Michael
Upon tasting Michael’s matcha tea flavouring, the judges suggested a similarity to grass.

GRASS.

Instead of spitting it out in disgust and cursing his family, they just pulled a ‘hmm, that’s new’ face and moved on. Yucky.

Benjamina

Benjamina
She wasn’t sure which size jelly to use for the jaffa and you’re just screaming ‘THINK BENAJMINA!’ The amount of times you get a jaffa and there’s half the bloody sponge without jelly.

Jaffa cake jelly size

She actually cried, bless! And Sue helped her like only a gifted presenter could.

Benjamina crying

But the smile was back when she did amazingly well during the showstopper.

Benjamina smile

The other bakers were all gunning for her, which speaks volumes.

Lousie

Louise
She based her first round on her mum’s favourite drink. Oh fab.

So, prosecco? Amaretto sour? No no.

Vodka and lemonade.

Vodka?

You mean the tasteless spirit one chooses to be covered up by another drink, and smells like nail polish remover or water (budget-depending)?

That’s the one.

Cool, cool.

And lemonade?

You mean the tasteless soft drink that tastes of fizzy, lemony water?

WOW WHAT A FANTASTIC CHOICE TO WIN JUDGES OVER WITH YOUR FLAVOURS.

Aside from that, she seems like a nice human.

Lee

Lee
Whether it was an editing choice (or just that he has less to offer than Val) Lee added little to the episode… just a lumpy ganache.

Lee's ganache

Andrew

Andrew
I have been raised in a jaffa-filled home, and the notion of serving a jaffa upside-down offends me.

He failed miserably at the signature, but managed a great mirror glaze showstopper which saw him bounce back.

Andrew funny face

Jane
She’s almost too comfortable in front of the camera, as if she thinks she’s filling in as a host on Saturday Morning Kitchen. I would not be able to string a sentence together while under that sort of pressure, whereas Jane? Oh Jane’s cracking out lingo like ‘take it off the heat’?!

In fairness, she’s got major skills and immediately has winner in her eyes and her glaze… her gleyez (nope, not a thing).

Jane's glaze

Tom

Tom
He’s shouted at a pie before (and that’s the sound of you realising you’ll never be on this show).

He also made a bold move choosing a love-it-or-hate-it flavour in his first bake. Which ended awfully. And literally made them wince. Good one!

Kate

Kate
‘I’m happy now I’ve got cake for company.’

1121

She went for blue, lumpy icing… there’s always one.

Blue icing

Selasi

Selasi
The show is obsessed with him owning a motorbike. Granny Beeb in all her glory. ‘Now living and biking in London.’ Good to know. And what’s Benjamina’s transport mode of choice?

But he doesn’t need a motorbike anyway, as he is superman.

Selasi after

Selasi is more chilled than a perfectly-set meringue and intriguingly blasé about baking, despite his impressive results.

It may be this charismatic coolness that’s caught the attention of young Candice…

Candice and Selasi

Like when he looked at her longingly, like this…

Selasi to Paul

Oh, nope, that was to Hollywood.

Paul to Selasi.jpg

I immediately doubt said romance as it’d blossomed at Preston/Chantelle speed, but one to keep an eye on anyway…

Candice

Candice
A bit ‘too cool for school’ claiming a drizzle was ‘too technical’ for her (?!) and asking her lover Selasi how much time they had left like she hadn’t a clue. But, I predict this may be a rouse and she acts like she doesn’t care, but there were tears!

Also she said ‘mother hubbard’ instead of a horrifying blasphemous term. Which is hilarious and definitely uncool enough for school.

Rav

Rav
Also a little lost in the crowd. I was expecting him to be very quietly spoken, but not at all!

The main Rav-point is, how bare is their living room!? The Rav fam need an Ikea haul or something.

Rav's bare room

Jane is our star baker!

Lee is out! (I know, I can’t remember which one he is either.)

Star baker and out

Mel & Sue’s Best Bits
– Mel was ready for the week with Kate Beckinsale, Cate Blanchett, but no, she’d misheard cake week!
– ‘It’s a sort of Jaffa muffin. A juffin’
– ’30 minutes left for your mirrored glaze, on reflection… 29’

The ridiculous statement more fitting for a Scorsese film
‘You can’t turn the clock back now… you can only move on.’ Lee, after he baked a shit cake.

Innuendos of the week – sure you get a few, but this week was off the charts euphemistic
– ‘The Hollywood handshake would be amazing’ Andrew
– ‘You’ve got two hours to achieve ultimate moistness’ Mel & Sue
– ‘My cake is based on the bells’ Lee
– ‘I like the flavour of (a) cox’ Kate on a lovely pair of apples
– ‘I’m going to poke it in Mary’ Candice
– For a good minute Kate was talking about swallows and wedding nights and it was just too much

And finally…

Innuendo cake

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