Week 2 – Biscuits


And so it was, Mel and Sue were Mel and Sue-less. It felt wrong. It would be like Lennon without McCartney. Jerry without Ben. And within approx. 3.5 minutes we were used to it and would be fine if BBC were to fire Sue due to cuts.

It’s biscuit week! And with biscuit week, comes that hideous cringe-worthy crunch sound like hearing people kiss.

 Mary’s face of the week

Mary's face

100% hiding a sicky burp.

Mary’s nails were on point this week and she is putting her Naked palette to more than good use. Check that smoke.

Mary's eyes

Paul dropped in a confusing ‘they’ll stand until February’ comment. But maybe it’s some northern baker saying.

Signature – iced biscuits

 Technical– Viennese whirl – I thought it would be boring as everyone knows Mr Kipling, however half of them ended up with embarrassing bakes – so Kipling doesn’t have the power he once thought he had.

Show stopper– ginger bread story – I know moving picture is all about the drama, but the slate with a huge blade? A simple snap by the hand would’ve sufficed.

Knife and slate


She managed to drop a tray – I realise these people are under stress, but it’s a tray. Just hold it steady. People don’t drop trays in the real world. Ever. She held it together with the most Welsh response ever: ‘I just need to crack on now’.

Louise's biscuits on the floor

‘I’m going to do my wedding day as my ginger story.’

‘Wow, loads of characters to choose from, you, the groom, maid of honour, best man, flower girl, old fashioned car…?’

‘No, just me, the groom, the rev, and three graves.’

‘Two people and three semi circles?’


Let’s pop over to Andrew shall we?

See how he’s getting on with his 36?!

The cheek of it.


Our fun-loving-gal-pal Val has stolen our hearts.

Just such a mum. At one point she was telling herself ice creams aren’t supposed to be identical anyway, so her biscuits are fine. And her fam are so cute!

Val's family

You were just willing her to succeed throughout the episode, and knew she wouldn’t. There she is pricking windows with the other end of a chopstick, completely missing the memo that hard-boiled sweets are a dream for creating a glass effect.

Val's empire state

She isn’t screaming ‘winner’… but she needs to stay!


A mid-runner, which is fine during these early weeks, but she needs to make her mark soon. She was far too accepting of Paul’s criticism, that she completely agreed with him. Shoulda bitch slapped him with your wooden spoon Benny!


Wide-eyed and bushy tailed, he’s just on the the right side of enthusiasm.

Andrew's eyes

Big fan of him being a member of the ‘local music theatre group’.

Andrew's musical theatre group

How local are the BBC talking here? That bustling hubub of a city has a population of three.

Andrew fluffed up the ol’ Bake Off CV in order to impress them during the auditions. He’s also fluent in Japanese and can ride a unicycle.

He might have just been enjoying Candice’s jugs innuendo, but he looked like a Bitter Bruce over Candice’s pub props. Sure, any baker who over-does the extras is a massive try-hard kiss-arse, but it is the Bake Off way to hide your dismissal.



If your outfit looks horrend when most of it’s hidden under an apron, you need to have a re-think. Purple fleece with embroidered flowers is not helping the Brownie image.

Kate's outfit

Her gingerbread story looked almost too perfect… but luckily the taste was off (and I apparently don’t appreciate others’ success).

Kate's gingerbread


Bake Off has a habit of showing some of the randomest lifestyle shots and moving swiftly on.

E.g. That moment when Tom was shoving sausage meat through a green wine glass funnel.

Tom's sausage


Like Benjamina, this one’s in the middle crowd at the moment.

Mel seemed unnecessarily judgy when describing his self-portrait story: ‘Rav’s using a dark gingerbread.’ Just uncalled for.


This man could fill Nadiya’s weekly face shot with this beauty:

Selasi's face

He made the classic Bake Off error with signature bake confidence. ‘I’ve made these before’ he gloats. No no. The tent has no time for arrogance, you sir, shall come last. (To be read in a booming Brian Blessed voice. That is the tent’s voice.)


If I was him I’d want to shake off this ‘youngest baker in the tent this year’ image that he’s getting with every intro. So, having flour in your ear does not help.

His gingerbread dream looked like a first draft of The Nightmare Before Christmas Tim Burton chucked because he thought it was too scary for the kids.

Michael's gingerbread house

But, his gingerbread had the best taste of the first bunch… so he could be one to watch if he can get his style up to his substance.


Jane’s whacked out the old gardening designer credit a few times now and her decorating has just been avs. I can’t draw for shit, but I reckon I could nail a four-pane window.

Jane's gingerbread

She’s a great baker though, and you just believe whatever she says. Everyone else wouldn’t dare add egg to a gingerbread structure, but Jane? She’s doing it, give a shit.

Jane using egg


I’m hoping the ‘lipstick’ thing won’t grate but I can’t make any promises.

Candice brought about the age-old Bake Off conundrum: if Val is penalised for not making 24 biscuits and not following the requirements, should Candice be praised for making 48 biscuits, and thus, not following the requirements? We need it on Question Time for Dimbleby to get the answers.

Candice graced us with wonderful memories: ‘My brother used to play pool all the time, even when he couldn’t see over the top.’

Wowzers. What a story. Thank you for sharing your gift.

She casually dropped an incred show stopper with no drama at all, just all very relaxed.

And so…

Louise is out!

Candice is star baker!

Line up.jpg

The ridiculous statement more fitting of a Scorsese film

‘Fear is the mind killer. You’ve just got to go for it.’


Mel and not Sue’s best bits

‘They’ve got to be uniform’

Mel wincing

– ‘You sing, we sing, I…cing. (in a lovely singing voice) 10 minutes to go!’

– ‘I think they’re wheelie good’ – on Selasi’s bike biscuits

Innuendos of the week

– Too much talk of stiff mixture with the Viennese whirls

– An extremely conversation between Mel and Rav regarding him requiring her warm hands on his bag


Selasi innuendo


Until next time…


Originally posted on The Bake Off Update




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