Oh Bake Off. Bake Off, Bake Off, Bake Off.
Bake Off, Bake Off, Bake Off, Bake Off, Bake Off.
There are no words. Which is a shame, for a blog.
For those of you who haven’t heard (which if you haven’t, the only plausible excuse would be a coma (in which case you’re now out of the coma, welcome)) Bake Off has been sold to Channel 4 for one billion-fafillion-zababadabadoo-yen pounds, Mel and Sue are gone, Paul and Mary are likely to follow, and shit has hit the pan and it is caramelising.
The sad thing is, this show is obviously pre-recorded, so the players of our tale are none the wiser. They’re plodding along as per with Mel and Sue being even more on point than usual, which just made it all the more sadder.
It was on our minds throughout the show:
‘Am I going to have to get the lawyer involved again?’ Sue asked Mel. Yes, you are Sue! Null those contracts and say goodbye to the free food. (The lawyer thing turned out to be a ‘bit’ about Mel not being legally allowed to touch Sue – classic.)
Signature – Yorkshire puds
Technical – lacy pancakes
Showstopper – churros – the one time a lesson would actually be interesting, and of course they skip it.
An unknown pastry from Lancashire? Let’s give them 10 minutes and get Mel over there to talk to a 70 year old woman about what it was like to be a child during the boom of the said unknown pastry.
A Spanish doughnut thing that’s really on-trend and everyone bloody loves? Let’s not.
He was not a fan of Rav and Tom’s savoury churros, yeah I agree with him actually, trying to flip something from sweet to savoury or vice versa is just plain wrong. A bit like chocolate bread you fecking hypocrite!
Other than that re:Mary, I wasn’t much of a fan of referring to churros as ‘impregnated’.
The BBC editors had some great moments this week:
Tom: I don’t normally use too much sugar as otherwise it caramelises and cooks differently
Rav: I’ve used all the sugar
Kate: I won’t flip my pancakes for anyone
Cut to Selasi flipping his pancakes like a fucking boss
It’s fair to say that her Yorkshire puddings had the most annoying back story and title in Bake Off history.
‘Kate’s Christmas Dinner Compromise’
‘My husband and I are very similar but he always had Yorkshire puddings, and I never did, so I’m baking these for marital harmony.’
Will Julia Roberts being playing you in the film?
Also, where’s your end of the deal Kate?! Not much of a compromise.
(And you’re literally being forced to make these by a TV show, so not much of a gesture for hubby either.)
Kate had a few too many annoying moments, like the bunny thing:
‘Flopsy, Mopsy, Benjamin… they’re all here.’
I feel for them, I really do.
‘I’ve been saying all week “let’s get battered!”‘
And thank god that week is over.
And then mixing a batter from scratch without a recipe?
Shocked, stumped, lost.
This is a mixture kids in nursery make to have a break from learning how to count to 10.
She’s definitely a boy’s girl, rather than a girl’s girl.
‘What does lace look like? I don’t even have any lace pants.’ I don’t even own any pants. I don’t even own any clothes. I don’t even have a job. I’m homeless.
All the classic pick up lines.
She said she made very ‘Jackson Pollock’ lace and her churros did seem really doughy, but that’s how she preferred them. She is the cutest, most optimistic baker.
She also reacted this way when hearing Yorkshire puddings had to look the same:
Had a great week and, yet again, just comes across as very easy going and non-annoying.
She made impressive puds and lace pancakes – just edging in front of Candice.
He didn’t have the best week, or a particularly entertaining one from our point of view. He chose to fill his Yorkshires with tofu and admitted it’s an incredibly bland filling so you have to add loads of flavour from elsewhere. GREAT CHOICE THEN.
I thought he was a goner, I really did.
His Yorkshires looked like blinis and just as Paul said the biggest mistake with a churros is putting too many in at the same time, he shares that his technique is to put as many in as pos at the same time.
He got a tip off ‘from a friend’ that you put mustard powder in a Yorkshire mix to get it looking yellow. Take your dodgy sources elsewhere Andrew, we don’t want any trouble.
Seeing our bakers deal with normal foods like chicken and veg is like seeing a celeb without make-up on in the daylight – strange, unsettling, and not right. But Selasi’s crackling looked bloody delish.
Don’t think we didn’t notice your sly mention of a girlfriend, Paul and Candice will be heartbroken.
Mel and Sue’s best bits
- ‘Five minutes left, and don’t throw them, that’s battery’
- ‘Tutty byyyyes’
- Churros Kemp – and basically the entire churros intro and basically the entire show because they are irreplaceable – ya hear?!
Innuendos of the week
- ‘Are you a tosser or a flipper? Tosser all the way’
- Candice’s churros
- ‘It’s not quite as stiff as I would’ve liked’ Kate
- ‘A mouth full of it is enough’ Andrew – I’ma take your word for it
- ‘One lovely flick of the wrist and over it comes’ Mel
Benjamina is star baker!
And for those of you playing our Bake Off Bingo at home, please come to the front to collect your prize for completing a full row.
The ridiculous statement more fitting of a Scorsese film
‘Once it’s in the oven, it’s in the lap of the gods’
I’ve always hoped the gods were more concerned with Trump or tsunamis, but if they want decide on equal Yorkshire puddings too, that’s their business
Next week we will have a rest from the Bake Off update as I will be in sunny Lisbon eating custard tarts for blog research purposes. So…
Until next, next time…