Signature – Frangipane tart
Technical – Flaounes – loved the even playing field with this one, no one had any secret knowledge stored up
Showstopper – Vol-au-vents – which Paul claims used to be egg mayo back in the day of his 70s parties? Burrrp glad I was not an attendee.
I have to start with one point as vol-au-vents are very close to my heart. Ne’er a day goes by I wish there could be a christening, bar mitzah, or funeral so I can sink my teeth into a prawn mayo vol-au-vent. Delish. But why did everyone throw away the hats!? Mat was actually throwing his on the floor which seems unnecessarily wasteful and slightly showy. They’re the best bit! Who doesn’t love a mouth-sized pastry dish with a garment?!
We’ve finally got into the swing of the series. This was definitely my favourite episode so far. Great bakes, finally getting to know our beloved bakers, and hilarious Sue/Mel moments.
Not a fan of this whole baking on the floor malarkey – unhygienic much?
Alvin would never do such a thing. Alvin wears bloody gloves.
BREAKING BAKE OFF NEWS
I have created a Bake Off conspiracy (potentially the first ever). Our much-loved baking hour is not filmed in an idyllic country home garden but, in fact, at… Pinewood Studios! Just look at the green(yellow)screen in the background. And that pine scented ingredient during the technical? The clues were all there, we’ve just been blind baked.
Following this techno thread, what kind of Dalek-run John Lewis are the props team getting their shit from? Just plain strange.
Pastry always makes me feel a bit shit about eating cakes as it’s 98% butter. Even more so when they talk about the ingredients in a really sciencey way: ‘Put shortcrust in the fridge to prevent the fat melting’. Oh be careful of the fat you’re handling, don’t be fooled by that fat in your hand, make sure you handle the fat the right way. Ew.
But luckily the weather was with them, so no fat was to melt. It seemed to get Paul a bit down though, he just wanted to move back in with Chandler and Joey!
Paul and Bez really were hammering down with the good cop/ bad cop act this week.
Mary: It is overdone, but it isn’t burnt and it isn’t bitter
Paul: It is burnt and it is bitter
When there was only the winner left in the technical, Paul still insisted on saying ‘who’s is this?” Just getting into their heads!
Mary’s Face of the Week may have to become a regular section…
Ian
Lost child wondering around a middle class garden: Baker Ian, what ginormous hands you have!
Ian: All the better to hold my guinea fowl eggs with!
‘I haven’t baked with guinea fowl eggs in years’
OH BRILLIANT DECISION. GREAT SHOUT IAN. LET’S RE-INTRODUCE THIS STRANGE INGREDIENT DURING A FUCKING COMPETITION THEN. WHY NOT THROW IN SOME PLACENTA, HAVEN’T BAKED WITH THAT EITHER.
*Cyber breath*
I think Ian’s Tentitus is worsening. He’s now imagining that he has his own segments in the Bake Off. There’s ‘Ian’s Twist of the Week’ and apparently ‘Ian’s Risk of the Week’. Poor chap. Completely bonkers.
Big fan of his tart design. I suspect he’s a massive Disney fan…
(It’s from Tangled for those who haven’t/ have got a life – depending on your perspective)
Paul
I have so much love for Mel but she wasn’t quite with it at the beginning, asking Paul if he made his Christmas tart every Christmas. Yes. Yes he does Mel.
He is still so monotonous and bored! It was hilarious when he listed the signature ingredients and then just said ‘that’s frangipane’. Dollar signs were flashing in my eyes. Whenever you answer a question right he says ‘That’s frangipane’ in the most dull, uninterested, Paul-y way.
His first bake really was something special. That decor? Corr. And his prawn vol-au-vents are my kind of vol-au-vents.
He did serve a bowl of marshmallows with them though. Sorry, what?
This isn’t the Pizza Hut Ice Cream Factory.
Tamal
This was a very personality-revealing show (you know, the famous old ‘personality-revealing’ bit of a series…) which boded well for Tams. He managed to say he hates his fellow bakers (but loves them really), voice the universe, and self-deprecate himself with ‘that’s what they want. Neat and raw.’ Love him! He needs to take his mulled wine with pomegranate and raspberry down to a German Christmas market and show them what’s what.
He had a weirdly long pause after saying one of the flaounes ingredients was from ‘the pits………. of sour cherries’. Just me or did you imagine loads of cherries lifting up their arms? Most probs just me. Yeah. Fair.
But my favourite favourite bit from Tamal is potentially my favourite Bake Off moment ever (alright, top ten).
‘My vol-au-vents basically based on this sandwich I had a few years ago’.
That is the most un-Bake Off thing I’ve ever heard on the Bake Off.
I was willing him to say ‘I had this BLT from Greggs’ but, as expected, it was a dashingly poshe fried pork with fennel and rosemary.
He received some Class A judging from Bez.
‘I thought it was going to be dry, it wasn’t dry.’
Really top notch stuff. Be proud.
Mat
His first round bake looked like it was made by a five year old but boy did he manage to turn it around.
The jokes and lols were just rolling off the tongue this week!
- Flaounes? ‘I’ve made those a few times’
- ‘There’s a lot of cheese going into this. It’ll do nothing for my figure’
- ‘I’ve used it in the bathroom, not in the kitchen’
He did put his foot in it a lil bit with the puff pastry rolling…
Mel: It’s got lumps, like a cellulitey thighs.
Mat: It has. Nadiya’s got the same.
What Mat? THE PASTRY OR THE THIGHS?!
Flora
If Ugne was our nineties girl, Flora is clearly our noughties. Nude pumps? Really? And a bow in your hair? She’s trying the butter-wouldn’t-melt with the whole ‘It has to look pretty because I want it to look pretty!’ But actually, she just looks like Belle from Beauty and the Beast… not a good look.
She’s def attempting to look a bit too good in the tent for my liking. She was nearly cutting the circulation off in her waist with 
that apron. It’s like those girls at school who try to make their PE kit fashionable by tying it up at the waist and rolling up the sleeves. Twats.
Girl can decorate them cakes tho (even with the annoying ‘pretty’ statement).
Nadiya
This one had a great start, admitting ‘I don’t really have any strong flavours in mine.’ Bravo! Good work.
She also tried to make a rong tea – right tea gag and it just fell as flat as Alvin’s flaounes (so very flat indeed).
But she more than made up for it with her vol-au-vents fillings. Cod and clementine!? YUM. She needs to get herself on Masterchef.
I am not even exaggerating, all of these faces were during the signature judging alone. So we’re literally talking a minute. And the camera wasn’t even on her face the whole time.
But now for everyone’s favourite: Nadiya’s Worried Face of the Week
This is more a series of worried faces, like one of those flip books.
(With that camera angle from the rolling pin, and such a long time just filming her rolling away the pain, the Beeb crew are 100% taking the piss.)
But beyond all the laughs and guffaws, let’s take a moment of silence for Nadiya’s perfect tear.
Alvin
Don’t you just want to wrap him up in cotton wool and hold him forever!? The amount of times he apologised?! He made homemade jam! Sue called him cherub! He was even whispering to himself ‘come on come on we can do this’ (slightly Gollum-esque and therefore terrifiying, but still, we love him)!
And how much did you feel for him with the whole ‘failure is not good enough’ thing?! Especially when…
MAT IS STAR BAKER!
ALVIN IS OUT!
Mel and Sue
These gals were just in sync this week.
Firstly, we had their inverted outfits going on.
Then we had Mel’s quick ‘nice’ after Sue’s fab-talian accent
And not forgetting Mel’s ‘hello sailor’ followed with looking 
over admiringly at Sue’s joke about 80s past times
Mel danced about rum at one point which was a joy to see
‘You’ve got one minute before you know if you’ve gone down the frangi-pan’
Mel also did a kind of 80s wedding announcement for when the vol-au-vents should be ready. I didn’t even entirely get it, but I loved it.
Sue had me lolling for a good while with:
‘I won’t sleep for the rest of the day, which is unlike me’ (as with most quotes during this part, all in the delivery, not really blog-friendly, a shame)
Innuendo of the week
- ‘How do you fan your plums, Alvin?’
‘Well, [completely over his head] just arranging them’
‘Nice’
- ‘Frange’ What a disgusting word, Mel.
- ‘It’s dripping down my hand’
The Bake Off Update 