It’s vegan week!
Top LOL vegan comments of the week (in no particular order):
- ‘It gives it not a bad flavour’
- “Cheese”, “mascarpone”
- ‘It tastes like normal chocolate!’
- ‘Mmmm! Gloop.’
- ‘This is the closest in texture and flavour to milk.’
- ‘If you were vegan, your mouth would be watering.’
- ‘It is possible to make mouth-watering vegan food.’
- ‘I’m making my fake buttercream.’
- ‘Everything seems to be chickpea.’
- ‘I’ll be using Indian black salt. It smells like sulphur.’
(BTW using something sulphur-like in your bake is literally like using a stink bomb as an alternative to egg.)
Signature – vegan-friendly short crust pastry tartlets
Sandi: ‘As with non-vegan pastry, the results will be greasy and misshapen.’
SHADE
Noel: ‘Rahul’s happy sticking with flavours from home.’
SHADE
Technical – vegan tropical fruit pavolva
‘With the preserved water of chickpeas.’
MMMMM YUM
Just eavesdropping on all this chickpea talk makes me feel hella gassy.
Showstopper – vegan celebration cake
Bake Off apparently just tag ‘celebration’ on the end of showstopper rounds and job’s a goodun.
‘We want colour, we want personality, but above all, we want it to taste amazing’
WELL YES, PAUL.
It’s just vegan week, we haven’t changed the entire premise of the show.
He was not a fan of this week. It’s a wonder how Noel’s lightbulb idea got past him. And next week is Danish week for ol’ Sandi. Then it’ll be Paul’s turn: Blue week (not porn related, just so he can hold everything up to his eyes.)
After watching them struggle through the rounds, there was one thought on everyone’s mind: thank fuck for margarine.
Briony
This gal is bougie AF, caramelising her onions with Prosecco.
Channel 4
But then the vegan thing brought her to the less glamorous world of using goat’s cheese alternative. Ew.
Paul said her French onion tart had ‘the kind of onion you get on a hot dog.’ Ah the old hot dog onion compliment, that Michelin-starred treat. Or, Paul trying to trick his brain into thinking it was about to eat a delicious pork dog.
Jon
This week was not for him, bless. And fair. It’s lik X Factor when an opera singer has to cover Michael Jackson – some things we just aren’t made to do.
Named his cake ‘Only Fools Eat Horses’ to try and butter up the vegan crowd, sacrificing the Ikea crowd in the process.
TOPICAL LAUGHS.
The minute you saw he was attempting leopard print, you knew that’s just gonna look like messy dots. It basically looked like how I imagine Keith Richards sees Mick Jagger.
Took him five minutes to have a taste of his showstopper. And the results were not good: claggy. That’s the worst. But also the most fitting onomatopoeia ever (FYI).
Ruby
There’s underprepared, and there’s Ruby. She acted like she’d never made her signature before (you know, the round where they’ve had five years to prepare) – she was surprised how cheesey it was and had never flambéed tomatoes before.
Channel 4
I call bullshit on her cake collapsing.
BULL. HONKY.
Producer hundy-percent gave it a little thumb to the side and asked them all to casually walk past the window. All about that money shot – even in the Bake Off tent.
MAYBE THE CONTESTANTS WERE ON IT.
Channel 4
The bleeping was the only thing that made it seem real. BUT WHO’S TO SAY THEY WERE EVEN SWEARING.
OK I’ve gone down a rabbit hole with very steep sides.
Rahul
His veg decoration was pretty dry on the top of that tart. I’m talking Chinese-restaurant-cucumber-and-carrot-rose-decoration dry. You know the one.
But Prue said his chickpea tart was pure ‘poetry’.
AND YET
He still looks like he’s waiting to find out if his cat has been run over.
Manon
Is a little bit Ms. Perfect for my liking… especially when, during one of her judges:
Paul: ‘When you get it right, you really do.’
Channel 4
Hooooowever, they looked great and tasted shit. So all is well.
Kim-Joy
‘I wouldn’t say I’m an animal person,’ she says as she decorates with squirrel and fox designs.
She only got herself a Hollywood handshake:
- They played fucking harp music like he was Zeus blessing a newborn baby (I need to read-up on Greek mythology)
- He did some kind of pseudo shake – like a double-take-shake
- He winced.
Paul: I feel really let down by everyone
‘well done everybody, really successful vegan week’
Kim-Joy is star baker!
Paul: Overall she was definitely the best on vegan week
SHADE
Jon is out! (Or… this week’s bye-product (ha-hor-hee-horr)
Prue: ‘He’s so different to everyone else’
SHADE
Moment more fitting for a Scorsese film
Rahul: ‘I’m counting my final days’
Innuendo of the week
Briony: ‘It could maybe be a bit stiffer’
Until next time…
The Bake Off Update 