WARNING: This is jam-packed with The Great British Bake Off spoilers because, well, it’s all about The Great British Bake Off
The 2018 heatwave still doesn’t seem to have hit the tent just yet.
It will though…
It will.
Even being on the opposite end of the vegan scale, I was not a fan of Noel’s egg-juggling. I’m sure he shall see the wrath of PETA. (And apparently vegan week was his idea? Let’s see if he likes it when I juggle his baby daughter*.)
Channel 4
*I do not condone baby juggling.
It’s pastry week!
Ruby’s warned us, it’s going to get more intense.
Does she not realise? They’ve been in-tents all along!
FAVOURITE. JOKE. EVER.
She’s right, it has become more intense.
Intense in the way that Hollywood handshakes can’t fit in-tents anymore because HE’S GIVING THEM AWAY TO ANYONE. They are completely worthless.
Not that they ever had any worth.
But now they’ve done some kind of crazy nosedive in value, like if you were to change GBP into USD and back into GBP and then into EUR and then into CNY (I don’t really understand currency exchange).
Signature – samosas
Jon’s making pesto chicken, Manon’s taking on tagine, and Dan’s gone for stilton. Mmmmmmmm – so many savoury smells.
Technical – puit d’amour a.k.a ‘well of love’ a.k.a even our Frenchwoman hasn’t heard of them, so file that phrase in your ‘useless information’ mind-folder
Showstopper – banquet pie
And with a very important rule: ‘it must be shaped with your own hands.’
Dammit. That’s my mannequin mille-fuille out the window.
Manon
Here’s one of our golden bakers who was really quite thrown by this pastry stuff. I guess it’s kinda hard to make ghee and lard look Parisien chic.
She missed a trick not using her octopus showstopper to send the world a message on plastic pollution.
What has Poppy eaten?
Scallops,
Salmon paste,
CAN RINGS,
PLASTIC BAGS,
TAMPONS.
Please can we feed Paul a tampon?
Just one.
Just a regular one.
Unused.
OK… super.
Kim-Joy
Forgot to add any spices to her Indian-inspired samosas, and forgot her whipping cream was being whipped. Come on lady.
I like that she was made to tape off the brand name on her jar of mint… ya know, for advertising purposes. I didn’t think jars of mint could be quirky, but KJ’s managed it – don’t think we’d be able to find that one if we tried.
Channel 4
Wrote her Pythagoras on pastry with a pen – that can’t be healthy… but it does explain a lot.
Channel 4
‘I’m making a mermaid pie’
Cool! We’re on board! It’s actually fairly mainstream these days, if anything.
I’m calling it: ‘Silke the Vegetarian Mermaid’
Aaaand you’re back.
(I’d actually argue that all mermaids are veggie. Ariel would not eat Flounder.)
Dan
Too posh to push his pastry – good for him.
But his samosas were too watery, his French things were ‘flat as a pancake’, and his fishy showstopper was anaemic – not so good for him.
‘I was just so embarrassed, because it was just such a terrible day…’
Holy hell, which of this week’s sublimely-horrific news stories have affected you?
‘… it looks like I can’t bake.’
Jon
‘My samosas are roughly based on the first time I tried to woo my wife.’
COOL. Makes sense. Such a memorable day, your first woo. I actually keep a note of first woo experiences suitable for recreating in a pastry-based starter. I call it my First Woo Experiences Suitable for Recreating in a Pastry-Based Starter book.
This guy was so endearing this week, with his flying saucers and child-like excitement: ‘I looooove working with puff pastry. I love all the rolling! And folding!’
And then he jumped 30 years, chugging his egg whites.
HE IS MAN. MAN DRINK EGG WHITES.
Channel 4
MAN GET SHITS FOUR HOURS LATER.
Ruby
I appreciate her loyalty to traditional flavours, and her honesty: no, of course her family don’t make samosas ‘people have lives!’
I do like Ruby a lot. Which surprises me, because, ya know, the glasses. But we both said the choux pastry pun at the same time, so we are pun people bound for life.
Rahul
Noel pretending to be his ‘mummy’ was really quite disturbing. And he definitely puts too much emphasis on the H when he says ‘Rahhhul’
Rahul does have cute moments, thinking butterflies have tenticles and saying his bake looked ‘a bit mess.’ But his faces are actually getting a ridic now. His samosas looked objectively perfect. And still.
Channel 4
Prue: if I tell you they’re delicious will you look happy?
Na.
And so, he had to endure Prue’s double-hander.
Channel 4
Briony
Woooooooooooo.
While some of our leading bakers collapsed under pressure, this one suddenly rose!
She knew not to open the oven mid-bake when she forgot to add the sugar.
She knew how to capture Alice in Wonderland in one gigantic pastry hat bake.
AND she knew to line her pastry case with pancakes to soak up a shit-load of venison juice.
Channel 4
GIRL GOT GAME.
Briony is star baker!
Woooooooooooooo.
Dan is out!
Yeah, bad luck.
Moment for a Scorsese film
Jon opens the show: ‘Pastry, it is possessed by the devil… you turn your back on it, and it will end your life.’
I repeat, pastry.
Innuendo of the week
Source: Channel 4
Until next time…
The Bake Off Update 