Week 10 – The final

WARNING: This is jam-packed with The Great British Bake Off spoilers because, well, it’s all about The Great British Bake Off. All images (unless stated) owned by Channel 4.

Ah the GBBO GF. A time when you get to see those old contestants again who you completely forgot existed. There was an Irishwoman?!

And like this lady…

Seeing her again gave me the same warmth as I’d expect from seeing an old primary school dinner lady (note, I do not remember her name and do not even care enough to Google).

Considering this series was haemorrhaging Hollywood handshakes, the only handshake to be seen in this ep was from Kim-Joy’s bf. To Kim-Joy. So that sums up the quality we’re talking about here.

Signature – two batches of doughnuts

What the hell goes on in a proving drawer? I fear we’ll never know.

Technical – what the actual fuck.

I’m sorry, did I sit on my remote and land on Bear Grylls? Why are we making babaganoush? Why are we cooking vegetables on coal?

This is not a science experiment, Channel 4, this is a national treasure. Don’t ruin Bake Off with your Big Brother-esque desire to shock and awe with every new series. Next they’ll be making dairy-free meringue at zero gravity.

And don’t even get me started on how much they ruined Shipwrecked.

I digress.

The technical was so far removed from Bake Off, it’s not even worth naming. ‘Like with any other technical challenge’, No no, Noel. This is not like any other technical challenge, because this is not a technical challenge. This is an open day at a scout hut.

Fair enough, CH4, you had insane heat to deal with and so probs thought temperatures inside the tent were unsafe for humans. ‘Working over that open stove, the temperature is going to be extreme’, Paul says. Ah I see, so you’ve combatted heat, with more extreme heat.

And AS IF the bakers had no idea the stoves were out there.

The smell of smoke, the size of the set up, the noise it would have created to set up, the whispers of ‘BBQ’ and ‘outdoor technical’ around the production crew. They knew.

And then after all the huffing and puffing and drama. THEY ALL LOOKED DELICIOUS.

Bake Off has become a bleeding performance, I tell you.

The round did give us Rahul saying ‘that pitta is as flat as a shoe,’ which I thoroughly enjoyed.

Showstopper – a landscape dessert

You know the ones. All about colour, texture and taste. Sweeping mountains, tropical flowers, lush trees.

Or, brown muddy mounds, flat plains, and sand.

 

Rahul

HE’S NEVER HAD A DOUGHNUT

HE HAS TWO MIDDLE AGED FRIENDS

‘You’re not even smiling there, are you?’ She says.

HE HAS ONE MIDDLE AGED FRIEND

Oh but the man one choked up. He is a true friend.

The tent has properly got to him. ‘It’s a normal stress stress. You know Rahul’, Rahul says.

He burnt his doughnuts and then his icing bag burst. The amount of time the bloody string backing music built up to the moment, you would’ve thought a meteor was about to hit the tent. 10 SECONDS (I counted) of lead up. I think Spielberg took up less time building up to the first sighting of Jaws.

So his landscape. Because, you know, who made landscapes? Victorians. They travelled the world. They brought plants back. They made gardens. And he could related, coming over from India. Although he chose to come here (for his phD). But it’s very similar.

Source

And just when you thought he was past the stress. Smash (weirdly didn’t get it on camera). One of his storage jars smashed in the heat. And the clean-up was on!

Which just made me think of Hot Fuzz…

Source

‘Rahul will now have to restart the final challenge of The Great British Bake Off ALL OVER AGAIN.’

Thanks for the reminder there Sandi, thought I was watching Countdown for a minute.

 

The judges were acting like he did it on purpose or had any involvement with the random smashing… like he needed to calm down his Hulk nerves. Have they seen the guy? When asked one word to describe himself? ‘Depressing.’

 

But the guy whips out these insane ideas. And his bakes bring genuine joy to the judges’ faces. But like, the standing icing. Just how. Tell me. I’m good for it. Hoooooow.

 

Kim-Joy

Chose to decorate her doughnuts with bees after her partner ‘because like… he’s a bee.’ Fair.

HE IS SO IN LOVE WITH HER.

‘It was perfect meeting Kim-Joy because she was into board games, she’s into baking, it’s like heaven.’

Well if Cookies and Cluedo Day follows a month after Valentine’s Day for these lucky ducks, I wish them well.

Then on the fridge, in purple pen…

‘Diameter of a square?’

Dear god. The woman is rewriting the laws of mathematics.

She did win the technical. But as this isn’t Great British Brownie Off, that made literally no difference to the judge’s decision-making. Winning the technical actually probably hindered her chances.

Prue: Oh, yeah she did really cooking that pitta on a slate though. Yeah I don’t think true bakers would be able to do that.

Paul: yeah I had a go earlier in between takes actually and was shit at it. So yeah she’s obviously can’t be a very good baker.

No matter the result, this is actually the one of the most phenomenal bakes I’ve ever seen.

(Why she didn’t slip this into her landscape, I do not know.)

Ruby

This girl meant business. She was there to win. Took a week off work. But what’s five days holiday leave when you’ve got a book deal within your grasp.

I mean can I say anything remotely money-grabbing about this cherub?

Yes, yes I can.

Rubes is in it for the TV deal.

We can’t not talk about the reading of the report. And boy do I love pausing on writing.

I mean, it’s immediately lol anyway.

Then we read it…

Point of note 1: ‘I wish her well in her future grammar school.’

So this is a year 6 Ruby here. This is taking-her-SATs-Ruby. This is the going-to-the-Isle-of-Wight Ruby.

AND THEY ARE READING IT AS PROOF OF HER CHARACTER ON A NATIONAL BAKING SHOW.

Point of note 2: Iminder?!

IMPOSTER.

MAYBE THIS IMPOSTER CAN’T EVEN READ, LET ALONE FOLLOW A FECKING RECIPE.

The real Ruby is tied up inside a boot in the Bake Off carpark, gagged by a (perfectly baked) bread roll.

Good grief.

Then! The post-it notes on the wall!

‘I am the WINNER of the GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF’ there on the far left.

Wooooooaaaaah man.

I’m all for positive affirmations. But that’s intents.

And then the ‘I AM COOL’ is just a bit sad, bless her.

That’s more like…

U k hun?

Even those post-its couldn’t help though.

 

Rahul is our winner!!

Classic Bake Off editing

Paul: I love doughnuts

Moments later

Rahul: it’s deep-fried bread, I’m not going to it

Cut-to Paul looking mighty peeved

 

Kim-Joy: I’m just going to make one dough, there isn’t enough time

Ruby: I’m making two doughs. You’re in the final you have to push yourself. Otherwise you’re just coasting

 

Ruby: I didn’t want it to be too dull, it’s meant to be magical

Kim-Joy pulls out brown slab of ginger cake

Kim-Joy: this one’s done

 

Ruby: I don’t feel like I’m massively behind, but I just need to keep the pace up and not start slacking

Cut-to Kim-Joy chugging down a refreshing summer drink

 

Moment more appropriate for a Scorsese film

‘I will be… the proudest mum in the world… to see my daughter… win The Great British Bake Off.’

You know this is a baking show… right?

 

Innuendo of the week

‘A bit of a mouthful’ Noel

‘Just poke it a little bit… that’s what you do. Isn’t it?’ Ruby

‘Rahul I do not know where, but he’s got a magic wand and he keeps pulling it out.’

 

WHAT A LINE TO FINISH ON.

 

Until next year…

Week 9 – Semi-final

Noel: Welcome to the bake off tent, for the semi-final. How tense is that?

Sandi: No, no tension at all.

OH COME ON. PLEASE just do the in-tents joke.

It was a high-pressured week.

Prue forgot how to eat.

And the colour completely flushed from Paul’s face.

It’s patisserie week!

And this one brought out some right sweary sailors.

 

Signature – 24 dipped madeleines (cue every millennial to quote the Ross scene from Friends ‘lighter than air, but that’s not the point’)

Source

 

If rounds had soundtracks: click here

Finally the heat wave of ’18 has hit the tent, with chocolate chips literally melting in their little jars.

These needed to be whisked for five mins! I want to see a Bake Off series without KitchenAids. Now THAT’d be interesting.

 

Technical – torta setteveli aka seven veils cake

‘The longest ever technical seen in the tent.’

Are they only counting Channel 4 days? Like BBBC and ABBC? Cos if so, that ain’t anything special. I seem to recall a BBBC technical needing overnight…

Showstopper – a Parisian window with patisserie with three pastries

 

Briony

Has a serious kinship with Sandi. They had the randomest comments to say about Bri’s ingredients and

Bri: a bit of lime for the mojito

Sandi: ahh craziness

Bri: craziness

Sandi: now surely there’s alcohol in here, I know you well

Bri: in it goes

Sandi: ok what is it?

Bri: spiced rum

Sandi: arrrr a bit of pirate?

Bri: a bit of pirate rum

 

I’M SORRY, WHAT? Are they high? Is there a prequel to this year’s Bake Off where Bri and Sandi have gone on a road trip through Mexico drinking mojitos and calling homeless people who drink rum pirates?

 

Big fan of the idea of an espresso martini madeleine. Yes please.

 

Paul compared her mirrored chocolate glaze to a pair of incontinent pants.

To which I say to you, sir, how do you know what they’re like?

Boom.

 

She chose the semi-final showstopper to have her meltdown – potentially mixing up her salt and sugar on showstopper day.

‘Briony it’s not us who you should be apologising to, it’s you. Because you can do much better than this, and this is not the time to get it wrong.’

PRUE THE WOMAN IS ALREADY CRYING.

STFU.

 

Rahul

Has actually reached the point of not being enjoyable to watch. I don’t want to see him panic about baking. It’s baking. Put some oven mitts on and buck up bro.

I think Noel’s losing his patience a lil bit. Like when a colleague won’t shuddup about tech issues you’re all going through.

He was backchatting the size of his madeleines.

And close to tears on behalf of his technical.

What a host.

But his madeleines  were ‘absolutely delicious’ in the end. And this reaction?

I can’t even.

Little timid Rahul showed us a bit of edge when he suddenly got a bit impassioned (as impassioned as Rahul can be) about sticking it to the patisserie man and never wanting to charge £10 for a piece of mille-feuille.

What did Pret do to you?

 

Ruby

Unfortunate for her to pick the exact same madeleine flavours as perfect Rahul – and go straight after him in the judging. They did just look like sherbert-dipped 99p cones.

She does have her moments of impressive baking knowledge, casually dropping that tempered choc should be ‘about’ 32 degrees… ‘I think’. Then nailed all of the layers she’d actually never heard of before… fair.

And then she hits us with ‘it’s all about who’s got the stamina. I ran a marathon, so of course I’ve got the stamina.’

WOAH there you go. Here’s the real Rubster. She’s arrogant runner girl! Knew there’d be one somewhere. Next she’ll be telling us about her latest Strava time and want us to sponsor her. Stamina didn’t serve her too well though.

Kim-Joy

She likes to decorate cute things that kids would like, because it makes her happy.

STOP I LOVE IT. CAN’T COPE.

I mean couldn’t have read your audience more wrong, but still too cute.

She’s never made a thick chocolate mousse before, bless.

I think we made mousse in year 7 HE.

She had a made a mirror glaze before though… different syllabus.

 

Ruby is star baker!

 

Briony is out!

 

Classic Bake Off editing

Briony: you just have to very carefully fold

Cut to Kim-Joy beating the crap out of it with a wooden spoon

 

Moment more appropriate for a Scorsese film

‘You must produce clean, sharp lines’

Source

Noel: how are you?

Rahul: alive

MATE YOU’RE IN BAKING COMPETITION. P E R S P E C T I V E. God forbid if anything actually hard happens to this guy.

 

Innuendos of the week

‘Not a great camel’s jump, just a gentle rise’

‘Hump’ (and Rahul knows exactly why it’s funny)

 

Until next time…

Week 8 – Danish

WARNING: This is jam-packed with The Great British Bake Off spoilers because, well, it’s all about The Great British Bake Off. All images (unless stated) owned by Channel 4.

OK SO THAT’S THE CUTEST THING IN BAKE OFF HISTORY.

What a legacy. They will forevermore be known as the sensi-series.

And this week also gives us our diva height too: Paul has a trailer. Classic. Paul also holidays 34 times a year.

It’s Danish week!

It was just cruel of Team Bake Off to get Noel to introduce each and every round first, and then get Sandi to completely bitch-slap his pronunciation. She fucking loved it. And had that air of Danism, with Denmark being her ‘thing’ all ep. How dare she be proud of her heritage.

If I was a great Dane (because, I would be a great one), I’d be mildly offended at Noel thinking any Danish person is a porn star…

But I’m not.

So, lol.

Signature – smorrebrod a.k.a an open sandwich

COME ON GUYS.

Denmark must have more to offer than that.

This was potentially my least favourite round in Bake Off history.

You know it’s bad when the bakers had sweet F-all to do with making any of the annotations.

Felt like I was watching Supermarket Sweep.

And ‘in record time’, the bakers had to make their sandwiches look presentable.

This was with 15 mins to go.

TO MAKE A SANDWICH.

WITHOUT THE LID ON.

Technical – Æbleskiver – why hello, new letter – a.k.a apple pancake balls

Said-apple filling looked ‘like baby sick’, cheers Noel. He’s got a 7-monther on the trot. Whether that is normal sick for him to see at this stage,

I do not know.

Showstopper – kagemand ­a.k.a or ‘cake man’ (or woman)

There were so many heart-warming stories of love, as the bakers told us about who had inspired their showstoppers. Like ol’ Nana Pat.

Good ol’ Nana Pat. 93, still drives, can touch her toes. What a fabulous person for Briony to honour.

Or a way to kill off Pat’s last ounce of self-confidence.

Rahul

What a turn-around. Eights weeks of perfection, and then he crumbles at a sandwich.

And started off thinking croissant was pronounced ‘kroshone’. Granted, it’s in another language, but three-year-old Brits know their way around a pain au chocolat.

And he burnt his showstopper, and it  just looked messy.

MESSY. RAHUL.

It was all wrong.

Briony

This woman is just obsessed with Paul: ‘I’m not nervous at all baking rye bread for Paul Hollywood… it’s not nerve-wracking at all having to knead in front of Paul Hollywood.’

You’re right… it’s not.

It’s always weird when people put on accents. Like her ‘we’ve got sweet potato’ New-York-bagel-guy schtick. Yeah… felt quite uncomfortable. Really hope she doesn’t do that again.

‘It’s not rye enough, it’s not dense enough, it’s not at all like an open sandwich.’ It was harsh judging. And our Bri is a crier.

But then she randomly absolutely nailed the technical… more than capaÆble to fill dem pancakes gurl.

Ruby

Solid week all round. I enjoy how unfussed she is by Paul.

Somebody could have told her about the food on her face. But clearly those are the shots where the money is. Tears and poo-face: that’s what the people want.

Manon

Threw herself into the dangerous territory of being very confident. Rookie mistake.

To be fair to her, Paul was being super confusing.

Manon needed to bake less French in the signature.

Then he told her she should’ve used French butter instead of Danish for a better melt (who knew?).

Then, went all annoyed at her bake being more pain than Dane.

Source

That kid looks like Jennifer Garner’s kid (seamless segue…) and Manon was giving all of the Jennifer ’13 Going On 30 era’ Garner vibes this week.

Like literally, top left – she’s hugging Mark Ruffalo.

Kim-Joy

Broke scissors at one point, but that was just brushed past because there was just too much to drama to get through!

I just love this so much. Never thought I’d be jealous of marzipan’s beauty. But it’s happened.

So sweet when she turned to Briony mid-judge. And then properly horrible when she was kind of sobbing mid-judge. And then a lil bit awks when the Ps just continued to rip the shit out her bake.

 

Ruby is star baker!

Manon is out!

‘She’s a very strong French baker, just not a very good Danish one’

Kick a woman when she’s down, Prue!

 

Innuendos of the week

(Completely staged for the innuendo fetishers. We all watch First Dates, k? We know the tells of multiple camera angles.)

• ‘What hole are we talking about?!’ Ruby
• ‘I don’t want to make the head too big… because it is going to rise.’ Kim-Joy
• ‘I don’t know how proud she’d be off this pearl necklace, but she’s getting it.’ Briony

Source

 

Moments more appropriate for a Scorsese film

• ‘Get back up, get back on it. That’s just who I am.’ Briony
• ‘I don’t deserve to be here anymore. I deserve to be kicked out.’ Rahul
• ‘I don’t know if I can talk about it.’ Kim-joy

Guys, guys, guys.

Perspective.

 

Next week is patisserie week! Back to normal Bake Off, thank fuck.

 

Until next time…

Week 7 – Vegan

It’s vegan week!

Top LOL vegan comments of the week (in no particular order):

• ‘It gives it not a bad flavour’
• “Cheese”, “mascarpone”
• ‘It tastes like normal chocolate!’
• ‘Mmmm! Gloop.’
• ‘This is the closest in texture and flavour to milk.’
• ‘If you were vegan, your mouth would be watering.’
• ‘It is possible to make mouth-watering vegan food.’
• ‘I’m making my fake buttercream.’
• ‘Everything seems to be chickpea.’
• ‘I’ll be using Indian black salt. It smells like sulphur.’

(BTW using something sulphur-like in your bake is literally like using a stink bomb as an alternative to egg.)

Signature – vegan-friendly short crust pastry tartlets

Sandi: ‘As with non-vegan pastry, the results will be greasy and misshapen.’

SHADE

 

Noel: ‘Rahul’s happy sticking with flavours from home.’

SHADE

 

Technical – vegan tropical fruit pavolva

‘With the preserved water of chickpeas.’

MMMMM YUM

Just eavesdropping on all this chickpea talk makes me feel hella gassy.

 

Showstopper – vegan celebration cake

Bake Off apparently just tag ‘celebration’ on the end of showstopper rounds and job’s a goodun.

‘We want colour, we want personality, but above all, we want it to taste amazing’

WELL YES, PAUL.

It’s just vegan week, we haven’t changed the entire premise of the show.

He was not a fan of this week. It’s a wonder how Noel’s lightbulb idea got past him. And next week is Danish week for ol’ Sandi. Then it’ll be Paul’s turn: Blue week (not porn related, just so he can hold everything up to his eyes.)

 

After watching them struggle through the rounds, there was one thought on everyone’s mind: thank fuck for margarine.

 

Briony

This gal is bougie AF, caramelising her onions with Prosecco.

Channel 4

But then the vegan thing brought her to the less glamorous world of using goat’s cheese alternative. Ew.

Paul said her French onion tart had ‘the kind of onion you get on a hot dog.’ Ah the old hot dog onion compliment, that Michelin-starred treat. Or, Paul trying to trick his brain into thinking it was about to eat a delicious pork dog.

 

Jon

This week was not for him, bless. And fair. It’s lik X Factor when an opera singer has to cover Michael Jackson – some things we just aren’t made to do.

Named his cake ‘Only Fools Eat Horses’ to try and butter up the vegan crowd, sacrificing the Ikea crowd in the process.

TOPICAL LAUGHS.

The minute you saw he was attempting leopard print, you knew that’s just gonna look like messy dots. It basically looked like how I imagine Keith Richards sees Mick Jagger.

Took him five minutes to have a taste of his showstopper. And the results were not good: claggy. That’s the worst. But also the most fitting onomatopoeia ever (FYI).

 

Ruby

There’s underprepared, and there’s Ruby. She acted like she’d never made her signature before (you know, the round where they’ve had five years to prepare) – she was surprised how cheesey it was and had never flambéed tomatoes before.

Channel 4

I call bullshit on her cake collapsing.

BULL. HONKY.

Producer hundy-percent gave it a little thumb to the side and asked them all to casually walk past the window. All about that money shot – even in the Bake Off tent.

MAYBE THE CONTESTANTS WERE ON IT.

Channel 4

The bleeping was the only thing that made it seem real. BUT WHO’S TO SAY THEY WERE EVEN SWEARING.

OK I’ve gone down a rabbit hole with very steep sides.

 

Rahul

His veg decoration was pretty dry on the top of that tart. I’m talking Chinese-restaurant-cucumber-and-carrot-rose-decoration dry. You know the one.

But Prue said his chickpea tart was pure ‘poetry’.

AND YET

He still looks like he’s waiting to find out if his cat has been run over.

 

Manon

Is a little bit Ms. Perfect for my liking… especially when, during one of her judges:

Paul: ‘When you get it right, you really do.’

Channel 4

Source

Hooooowever, they looked great and tasted shit. So all is well.

Kim-Joy

‘I wouldn’t say I’m an animal person,’ she says as she decorates with squirrel and fox designs.

She only got herself a Hollywood handshake:

• They played fucking harp music like he was Zeus blessing a newborn baby (I need to read-up on Greek mythology)
• He did some kind of pseudo shake – like a double-take-shake
• He winced.

Source

Paul: I feel really let down by everyone

‘well done everybody, really successful vegan week’

Kim-Joy is star baker!

 

Paul: Overall she was definitely the best on vegan week

SHADE

 

Jon is out! (Or… this week’s bye-product (ha-hor-hee-horr)

Prue: ‘He’s so different to everyone else’

SHADE

 

Moment more fitting for a Scorsese film

Rahul: ‘I’m counting my final days’

 

Innuendo of the week

Briony: ‘It could maybe be a bit stiffer’

 

Until next time…

Week 6 – Pastry

WARNING: This is jam-packed with The Great British Bake Off spoilers because, well, it’s all about The Great British Bake Off

The 2018 heatwave still doesn’t seem to have hit the tent just yet.

It will though…

It will.

Source

 

Even being on the opposite end of the vegan scale, I was not a fan of Noel’s egg-juggling. I’m sure he shall see the wrath of PETA. (And apparently vegan week was his idea? Let’s see if he likes it when I juggle his baby daughter*.)

Channel 4

*I do not condone baby juggling.

It’s pastry week!

Ruby’s warned us, it’s going to get more intense.

Does she not realise? They’ve been in-tents all along!

Source

FAVOURITE. JOKE. EVER.

She’s right, it has become more intense.

Intense in the way that Hollywood handshakes can’t fit in-tents anymore because HE’S GIVING THEM AWAY TO ANYONE. They are completely worthless.

Not that they ever had any worth.

But now they’ve done some kind of crazy nosedive in value, like if you were to change GBP into USD and back into GBP and then into EUR and then into CNY (I don’t really understand currency exchange).

Signature – samosas

Jon’s making pesto chicken, Manon’s taking on tagine, and Dan’s gone for stilton. Mmmmmmmm – so many savoury smells.

Source

Technical – puit d’amour a.k.a ‘well of love’ a.k.a even our Frenchwoman hasn’t heard of them, so file that phrase in your ‘useless information’ mind-folder

Showstopper – banquet pie

And with a very important rule: ‘it must be shaped with your own hands.’

Dammit. That’s my mannequin mille-fuille out the window.

Source

Manon

Here’s one of our golden bakers who was really quite thrown by this pastry stuff. I guess it’s kinda hard to make ghee and lard look Parisien chic.

She missed a trick not using her octopus showstopper to send the world a message on plastic pollution.

What has Poppy eaten?

Scallops,

Salmon paste,

CAN RINGS,

PLASTIC BAGS,

TAMPONS.

Please can we feed Paul a tampon?

Just one.

Just a regular one.

Unused.

OK… super.

Kim-Joy

Forgot to add any spices to her Indian-inspired samosas, and forgot her whipping cream was being whipped. Come on lady.

I like that she was made to tape off the brand name on her jar of mint… ya know, for advertising purposes. I didn’t think jars of mint could be quirky, but KJ’s managed it – don’t think we’d be able to find that one if we tried.

Channel 4

Wrote her Pythagoras on pastry with a pen – that can’t be healthy… but it does explain a lot.

Channel 4

‘I’m making a mermaid pie’

Cool! We’re on board! It’s actually fairly mainstream these days, if anything.

I’m calling it: ‘Silke the Vegetarian Mermaid’

Aaaand you’re back.

(I’d actually argue that all mermaids are veggie. Ariel would not eat Flounder.)

Dan

Too posh to push his pastry – good for him.

But his samosas were too watery, his French things were ‘flat as a pancake’, and his fishy showstopper was anaemic – not so good for him.

‘I was just so embarrassed, because it was just such a terrible day…’

Holy hell, which of this week’s sublimely-horrific news stories have affected you?

‘… it looks like I can’t bake.’

Source

Jon

‘My samosas are roughly based on the first time I tried to woo my wife.’

COOL. Makes sense. Such a memorable day, your first woo. I actually keep a note of first woo experiences suitable for recreating in a pastry-based starter. I call it my First Woo Experiences Suitable for Recreating in a Pastry-Based Starter book.

This guy was so endearing this week, with his flying saucers and child-like excitement: ‘I looooove working with puff pastry. I love all the rolling! And folding!’

And then he jumped 30 years, chugging his egg whites.

HE IS MAN. MAN DRINK EGG WHITES.

Channel 4

MAN GET SHITS FOUR HOURS LATER.

Ruby

I appreciate her loyalty to traditional flavours, and her honesty: no, of course her family don’t make samosas ‘people have lives!’

I do like Ruby a lot. Which surprises me, because, ya know, the glasses. But we both said the choux pastry pun at the same time, so we are pun people bound for life.

Rahul

Noel pretending to be his ‘mummy’ was really quite disturbing. And he definitely puts too much emphasis on the H when he says ‘Rahhhul’

Rahul does have cute moments, thinking butterflies have tenticles and saying his bake looked ‘a bit mess.’ But his faces are actually getting a ridic now. His samosas looked objectively perfect. And still.

Channel 4

Prue: if I tell you they’re delicious will you look happy?

Na.

And so, he had to endure Prue’s double-hander.

Channel 4

Briony

Woooooooooooo.

While some of our leading bakers collapsed under pressure, this one suddenly rose!

She knew not to open the oven mid-bake when she forgot to add the sugar.

She knew how to capture Alice in Wonderland in one gigantic pastry hat bake.

AND she knew to line her pastry case with pancakes to soak up a shit-load of venison juice.

Channel 4

GIRL GOT GAME.

 

Briony is star baker!

Woooooooooooooo.

Dan is out!

Yeah, bad luck.

 

Moment for a Scorsese film

Jon opens the show: ‘Pastry, it is possessed by the devil… you turn your back on it, and it will end your life.’

I repeat, pastry.

Innuendo of the week

Source: Channel 4

 

Until next time…

Week 2 – Cake

WARNING: This is jam-packed with The Great British Bake Off spoilers because, well, it’s all about The Great British Bake Off

Summer ’18 is one we’ll remember as an absolute swelter. And, those months when we kept saying in the office kitchen: ‘Gosh, can you imagine how hot this will be for Bake Off?’ amongst the work banter with Keith etc.

Normally it’s just one freak week of heat. But this time around, surely every week for the next 10 episodes is going to be a hellish nightmare for our humble bakers?

It’s cake week!

Signature – tray bake

My golden bake off rule: if I can buy it from Sainsbury’s, I ain’t impressed.

Technical – le gateau vert

Prue liking a cake because Monet has it on his bday is one of the most pretentious things I’ve ever heard. I can’t really talk though, Banksy massively got me into Turkish Delight.

Showstopper – chocolate collar cake

The editing this week was just plain weird. I think the director is some kind of Wes Anderson-wannabe, cutting bizarre sound bites to make the contestants sound high/ super quirky… I like.

Paul’s ego cannot fit in that tent. Holy Moses. And their reaction to a Hollywood handshake? It’s borderline American.

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At one point he was literally shouting over applause ‘I’ve never given a handshake on a showstopper before’ and later said ‘I’ve never given two handshakes before, I’m disappointed in myself.’ Oh behave.

Can you image how unbearable he would be if he was actually important?

And really sincerely saying ‘Come here Ruby’, like she’s fricking Tiny Tim getting a Christmas present for the first time (I can’t remember the plot of A Christmas Carole). No Paul. You come here. And now you go away.

Poor Prue trying to edge her way in, ‘I can just tell by the way you’re cutting it’, when tasting Ruby’s showstopper, ‘the sponge is beautifully cooked.’ LET THE LADY CUT HER OWN FECKING SLICE, HOLLYWOOD.

Jon (a.k.a last week’s forgotten face)

‘Even though I’m a baker, cake’s not really my thing’ – brill! Kinda like a pianist not knowing how to play chopsticks, or a builder not being able to make a sandcastle. But we’ll see how you do shall we?

Cut to: you coming first in the technical. So you’re full of shit, huzzah!

No editing him out this week – ‘that is up there, first the kids wedding day, then that.’ Dad of the year award.

The big headline of Jon’s life is that his daughters pick what he wears for work (delivering blood, legend). Erm, sorry, how about the fact that his wardrobe is exclusively

Hawaiian shirts?

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The Hawaiian shirts didn’t end there with a tropical showstopper (Paul said simple but effective…?).

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As Jon said (and then sung mid-ice) ‘I like pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain.’

I DO THE JOKES AROUND HERE, K?

Kim-Jo

Here’s the type of lady I’d love to be in the mind of for a day. She said including cats in her showstopper actually worked really well because, you know, cats wear collars…

Uhuh…

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And with that reasoning, thank god she didn’t need to go for her S&M bondage idea.

Antony

FINALLY someone using a microwave to melt chocolate. People need to move on from the glass bowl man, it’s getting embarrassing.

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‘There’s something about a sari that’s just extremely beautiful.’

Well yes – many objective, blatant things in fact. This isn’t About Mary. We can logistically list why millions of people think saris are beautiful: the detail, fabric, colour, pattern…

Briony

Woah mamma, this was not her week.

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But – even though she seemed to struggle the most with the heat of the tent (no excuse, as they’re all experiencing the same) and her sponges were overcooked – the flavours were all there. And it’s substance as much as style. So she’s got a couple of weeks left in her.

Dan

This man can pipe, ice and decorate – good thing he’s on a baking show. A good week for him, but nothing too outstanding to justify a win.

Was not impressed when his ever-so-original (…?) black forest gateaux tray bake was also chosen by Ruby. Luckily hers was too thick, so he leapt into some mind games with ‘well, good luck cooling it.’

HTTPS://TENOR.COM/VIEW/SNEAKY-BITCH-OLD-GIF-5456413

His tray bake bagged him the first Hollywood handshake of the series. Oh how I hate Paul relishing this mean guy character. He was looking down, considering granting this poor peasant with a handshake for seven seconds. SEVEN SECONDS. That’s an age in telly-land. You’re not Clint Eastwood. You’re judging a baking show. Find a grip and get it.

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Dan’s expressive face is back – perfect with all this talk of stiff collars.

Ruby

Like Antony, Ruby’s showstopper was for her mum (not sure if they think mum dedications get them bonus points? It won’t): ‘My mum doesn’t like chocolate, so I’m making an orange sponge…’ Ah cute. ‘… with chocolate cream’ – ok so none for mum then?

Our arrogantender is back: ‘Doesn’t that look delicious?’

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Well no, it looks like salmonella. But whatever floats your boat.

This week made me realise she’s just brutally honest for no reason, over everything. Like the showstopper, ‘I’m pleased over Paul’s handshake, would never take that back, pleased that one’s in the bag, but I wanted to impress Prue.’ Stop talking and be grateful!

Manon

I’m always so impressed when non-English speakers know the most obscure scientific language. Mamon knows the phrase ‘raising agent’ – I only know of it at all in my first language from watching of Bake Off…

She used to love dressing up as a princess for a girl she au paired (bit weird) – so this cake is for her. Here you go, young child – one day you shall meet a passed out prince.

Here’s our first contestant that needed bleeping, to Noel and Sandi’s horror. A Bake Off highlight for sure.

I don’t think it was entirely fair that she left the acetate on her showstopper under it was on the judging table…

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If Terry did that with his Eiffel tower it would’ve been a different storey… (kinda works, like the height of the tower… OH COME ON).

Terry

Please God, let this man get to the final. Terry top three:

Terry the bee keeper: ‘Looks like I’ve got a nice active little queen in there.’

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Terry the brewer: ‘Should be a nice sweet mix’ (camera man 100% could’ve given Tezz more of that sweet screen)

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Terry the philosopher: ‘It was technical, and it was a challenge… so… yes.’ before second break

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Rahul

‘Spoiler alert, beep beep beep’, bless him.

We really got to know Rahul this week, you know, how he likes to think about baking at the gym…

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You can’t not love this chatty guy, he’s very endearing. When Manon started crying (over chocolate that hadn’t set) he ran over really concerned (over chocolate that hadn’t set).

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‘Are you alright?! What happened?!’

Well Rahul, what’s the worst thing Manon could say in that moment?

He’s clearly a very genuine guy, and genuine guys can’t fake sincerity. That ‘yaay’ to Ruby when she halved his showstopper Hollywood handshake glory made my glands go.

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Be. Happy. For. Her.

Luke

You know you’ve got a boring backstory when the narrator tells us how many times a day you walk your dog (it’s twice, in case you missed it).

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‘Paul and prue will be saying I thought this was art deco? More like art nightmare.’

EVERYONE PLEASE, ENOUGH WITH THE JOKES

Karen

Not sure there was any need for Sandi to mention her grandmotherhood just as we see her fabulous blue shoes – no relationship between the two, athankingyou.

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Again, the backstory clip is just weird/ fantastic: ‘Now then [big fan of anyone who starts a pointless topic with ‘now then’], this seal, do they have legs?’

‘Na, flippers.’

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‘I’m just putting some beautiful glitter on it, because why wouldn’t you?’ Amen.

She has a bit of a cry before second ad break bless her, but brought it back with a ‘faultless’ chocolate cake that ‘melts in the mouth’.

And finally, word of the week from our Kaz: titivate

Rahul is star baker!

Luke is out!

But at least he managed to live a ‘dream’ of his, for Prue and Paul to taste one of his bakes… (so a toddler dream of two years).

Judgement of the week

• ‘Antony lives in London and calls his mother in Bangalore… every day’

Classic editing of the week

Ruby: no one has time to make marzipan, you just go out and buy it

Jon: I’ve made marzipan

Innuendos of the week

• Ruby: ‘He’s big!’
• Terri: ‘I just have to caramelise my nuts a bit quicker’
• Dan: ‘Six inches will take 45 minutes, eight inches will take about an hour’ – different methods, different timings, Dan
• Karen: ‘It’s a little ring of beauty, isn’t it?’
• Dan: ‘It’s way too stiff now’

Moment more fitting for a Scorsese film

‘That’s sad.’

No Prue, it’s an under-baked le gateau vert.

Best of Noel and Sandi

Dear Karen singing a sweet rhyme, Noel: ‘It’s basically about a prostitute, right?’

Until next time…