WARNING: This is jam-packed with The Great British Bake Off spoilers because, well, it’s all about The Great British Bake Off. All images (unless stated) owned by Channel 4.
Ah the GBBO GF. A time when you get to see those old contestants again who you completely forgot existed. There was an Irishwoman?!
And like this lady…
Seeing her again gave me the same warmth as I’d expect from seeing an old primary school dinner lady (note, I do not remember her name and do not even care enough to Google).
Considering this series was haemorrhaging Hollywood handshakes, the only handshake to be seen in this ep was from Kim-Joy’s bf. To Kim-Joy. So that sums up the quality we’re talking about here.
Signature – two batches of doughnuts
What the hell goes on in a proving drawer? I fear we’ll never know.
Technical – what the actual fuck.
I’m sorry, did I sit on my remote and land on Bear Grylls? Why are we making babaganoush? Why are we cooking vegetables on coal?
This is not a science experiment, Channel 4, this is a national treasure. Don’t ruin Bake Off with your Big Brother-esque desire to shock and awe with every new series. Next they’ll be making dairy-free meringue at zero gravity.
And don’t even get me started on how much they ruined Shipwrecked.
I digress.
The technical was so far removed from Bake Off, it’s not even worth naming. ‘Like with any other technical challenge’, No no, Noel. This is not like any other technical challenge, because this is not a technical challenge. This is an open day at a scout hut.
Fair enough, CH4, you had insane heat to deal with and so probs thought temperatures inside the tent were unsafe for humans. ‘Working over that open stove, the temperature is going to be extreme’, Paul says. Ah I see, so you’ve combatted heat, with more extreme heat.
And AS IF the bakers had no idea the stoves were out there.
The smell of smoke, the size of the set up, the noise it would have created to set up, the whispers of ‘BBQ’ and ‘outdoor technical’ around the production crew. They knew.
And then after all the huffing and puffing and drama. THEY ALL LOOKED DELICIOUS.
Bake Off has become a bleeding performance, I tell you.
The round did give us Rahul saying ‘that pitta is as flat as a shoe,’ which I thoroughly enjoyed.
Showstopper – a landscape dessert
You know the ones. All about colour, texture and taste. Sweeping mountains, tropical flowers, lush trees.
Or, brown muddy mounds, flat plains, and sand.
Rahul
HE’S NEVER HAD A DOUGHNUT
HE HAS TWO MIDDLE AGED FRIENDS
‘You’re not even smiling there, are you?’ She says.
HE HAS ONE MIDDLE AGED FRIEND
Oh but the man one choked up. He is a true friend.
The tent has properly got to him. ‘It’s a normal stress stress. You know Rahul’, Rahul says.
He burnt his doughnuts and then his icing bag burst. The amount of time the bloody string backing music built up to the moment, you would’ve thought a meteor was about to hit the tent. 10 SECONDS (I counted) of lead up. I think Spielberg took up less time building up to the first sighting of Jaws.
So his landscape. Because, you know, who made landscapes? Victorians. They travelled the world. They brought plants back. They made gardens. And he could related, coming over from India. Although he chose to come here (for his phD). But it’s very similar.
And just when you thought he was past the stress. Smash (weirdly didn’t get it on camera). One of his storage jars smashed in the heat. And the clean-up was on!
Which just made me think of Hot Fuzz…
‘Rahul will now have to restart the final challenge of The Great British Bake Off ALL OVER AGAIN.’
Thanks for the reminder there Sandi, thought I was watching Countdown for a minute.
The judges were acting like he did it on purpose or had any involvement with the random smashing… like he needed to calm down his Hulk nerves. Have they seen the guy? When asked one word to describe himself? ‘Depressing.’
But the guy whips out these insane ideas. And his bakes bring genuine joy to the judges’ faces. But like, the standing icing. Just how. Tell me. I’m good for it. Hoooooow.
Kim-Joy
Chose to decorate her doughnuts with bees after her partner ‘because like… he’s a bee.’ Fair.
HE IS SO IN LOVE WITH HER.
‘It was perfect meeting Kim-Joy because she was into board games, she’s into baking, it’s like heaven.’
Well if Cookies and Cluedo Day follows a month after Valentine’s Day for these lucky ducks, I wish them well.
Then on the fridge, in purple pen…
‘Diameter of a square?’
Dear god. The woman is rewriting the laws of mathematics.
She did win the technical. But as this isn’t Great British Brownie Off, that made literally no difference to the judge’s decision-making. Winning the technical actually probably hindered her chances.
Prue: Oh, yeah she did really cooking that pitta on a slate though. Yeah I don’t think true bakers would be able to do that.
Paul: yeah I had a go earlier in between takes actually and was shit at it. So yeah she’s obviously can’t be a very good baker.
No matter the result, this is actually the one of the most phenomenal bakes I’ve ever seen.
(Why she didn’t slip this into her landscape, I do not know.)
Ruby
This girl meant business. She was there to win. Took a week off work. But what’s five days holiday leave when you’ve got a book deal within your grasp.
I mean can I say anything remotely money-grabbing about this cherub?
Yes, yes I can.
Rubes is in it for the TV deal.
We can’t not talk about the reading of the report. And boy do I love pausing on writing.
I mean, it’s immediately lol anyway.
Then we read it…
Point of note 1: ‘I wish her well in her future grammar school.’
So this is a year 6 Ruby here. This is taking-her-SATs-Ruby. This is the going-to-the-Isle-of-Wight Ruby.
AND THEY ARE READING IT AS PROOF OF HER CHARACTER ON A NATIONAL BAKING SHOW.
Point of note 2: Iminder?!
IMPOSTER.
MAYBE THIS IMPOSTER CAN’T EVEN READ, LET ALONE FOLLOW A FECKING RECIPE.
The real Ruby is tied up inside a boot in the Bake Off carpark, gagged by a (perfectly baked) bread roll.
Good grief.
Then! The post-it notes on the wall!
‘I am the WINNER of the GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF’ there on the far left.
Wooooooaaaaah man.
I’m all for positive affirmations. But that’s intents.
And then the ‘I AM COOL’ is just a bit sad, bless her.
That’s more like…
U k hun?
Even those post-its couldn’t help though.
Rahul is our winner!!
Classic Bake Off editing
Paul: I love doughnuts
Moments later
Rahul: it’s deep-fried bread, I’m not going to it
Cut-to Paul looking mighty peeved
Kim-Joy: I’m just going to make one dough, there isn’t enough time
Ruby: I’m making two doughs. You’re in the final you have to push yourself. Otherwise you’re just coasting
Ruby: I didn’t want it to be too dull, it’s meant to be magical
Kim-Joy pulls out brown slab of ginger cake
Kim-Joy: this one’s done
Ruby: I don’t feel like I’m massively behind, but I just need to keep the pace up and not start slacking
Cut-to Kim-Joy chugging down a refreshing summer drink
Moment more appropriate for a Scorsese film
‘I will be… the proudest mum in the world… to see my daughter… win The Great British Bake Off.’
You know this is a baking show… right?
Innuendo of the week
‘A bit of a mouthful’ Noel
‘Just poke it a little bit… that’s what you do. Isn’t it?’ Ruby
‘Rahul I do not know where, but he’s got a magic wand and he keeps pulling it out.’
WHAT A LINE TO FINISH ON.
Until next year…